Saturday, August 27, 2005

A thought

Yeah, this is true for me and may be for many others.
We always crave for appreciation although we hate to admit it. We want to be admired and welcomed by others. What others think of one makes a very big difference to anyone. If there is rejection in the other person's eyes it affects our self-esteem and if he/she admires, then everything should be okay with us. It's difficult to be at ease even if there's no one to appreciate and accept us no matter what. Only the enlightened ones live like this--or psychopaths for whom nothing matters.
It's good to say that I'll be cool even if nobody gives a damn, even if I'm rejected. But practically it requires tremendous mental control to be immune to other's opinion of us.
If I observe my daydreams this one factor becomes glaring--- most of them revolve around my truimphs in the material world, with all those who matter watching me and applauding either directly or silently. Very few of them concern things I do just for the fun of doing them, or just because I love to do them without the expectation of any reward.

Friday, August 26, 2005

This is no James bond stuff...

I know an elderly person who doesn't look like James Bond but who was a spy a long time ago. He's blind in one eye and only recently someone told me that once when he was in enemy territory, someone knocked him from behind and his eye just popped out.

Pakistan is executing an Indian spy, Sarabjit singh, on charges of espionage. His family members say he's not a spy but a poor farmer who strayed across the border in a drunken state some 15 years ago, and the authorities have mistaken him for another spy, Manjit singh. The authorities say that he's been working for the Indian intelligence service, RAW,and he's been operating under the name Manjit singh and was responsible for the lahore bombings in 1990.

The family members have threatened mass suicide on the day he is hanged. The indian govt. is intervening in this issue and has started the diplomatic proceedures to get him released.

What is the truth?

When we think of these people--soldiers, spies, jehadis--whether they are on the right side of the law or not, whether they're guilty or innocent--people who are facing the battle of life and death, who can be whisked out of existence any moment ....and when I think for a moment about myself sitting inside the AC room in a software company in India's silicon valley, Bangalore, worrying about my next pay rise or if my job will be made permanent--- what a huge difference.


One morning a friend calls her up and says, 'Soni, I saw someone in Daman last weekend. Believe me, it was him. No doubt at all, he only had a long beard.'
Soni sets out to Daman. She gives a chocolate bar to her 6 year old daughter and tells her to listen to granny and not create trouble. She's not sure if she can find him but still goes in search of him.

This was a short story in kannada I read many years ago. It's one of the best pieces of fiction(?) I've ever read. The author is Uma rao, a freelance writer and copy editor and the name of the story is 'The path leading to the sea'.
Soni stayes in a lodge close to the sea in Daman. For the next two days she goes to every nook and corner of the coastal city hoping to have a glimpse of him. She remembers how he suddenly disappeared one day and never returned. How she had feared for the worst, how her mother would tell her, 'Soni, don't sit in a corner all day, you're pregnant, baby, this will affect the child, please come out, we'll go for a walk.'
Soni fails to locate him. In a last attempt she visits a very old jail in daman and goes through the records. NO luck. Then she goes to the adjoining cemetary. A young soilder from portugal is buried there. She stands in front of his grave and imagines what his life could've been. May be he had a wife back in portugal who would sit in her balcony and look at the sea, waiting for the ship which would bring him back. Maybe she was pregnant then.Maybe she's still waiting.
The next day she returns to Mumbai. On the way she stops by the cemetary and goes to the soilder's grave. She places a bunch of flowers on the slab and reflects for a moment about her desperate search for someone whom she may never find. She prays for the soilder and returns without looking back, wiping away a tear.
Before boarding the bus, she buys a chocolate bar for her daughter.

Feeling uninvolved in the work. May be I want to completely know what I am doing. A dialogue from a movie rings somewhere in my mind--'those who don't give results should not be in the team.'

Time's on a hurry. Weekends come so fast, before you battle an eye lid, another weekend is here.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Interesting faces

* An old beggar who stands outside my office. His wife will usually be sitting at a distance, watching him. He always asks for more even after someone gives him a rupee or two. Once a friend gave him 10 rs. and the old man put it inside his pocket and started afresh.
* A middle aged surgeon who has quit his practice and recently joined our company as a software developer. He's aloof, finishes his lunch in a corner at the cafetaria, and usually walks the length and breadth of the office in between writing code.
*The boy who brings us tea every hour or two. He's the most cheerful person in the entire company, always walks with a song on his lips and a smile, and on a recent office tour, allegedly emptied two bottles of wine and danced like crazy.
* The guy who's writing this. More about him later. ( inserted by the computer!)
* My one year old niece. She calls every one--even the dog on the street-- as 'mamma'.
* Two street dogs that come to our house every night to eat the leftovers. They also relieve their itch by taking turns to nibble each other behind the ears.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

When Love incarnates...

Buddha on the road

Every evening when I wind up my work and return home through the evening rush hour, I come across a donkey on the streets who makes me go green with envy. He just stands on the edge of pavement facing the road, doing nothing. He looks tremendously contented, absolutely at peace with himself and with the world. There's not a sign of anxiety on his face, no tension in his eyes, and he just stands there unbothered about the mad rush around him. I wonder about this guy's internal landscape,what he might be thinking looking at the fools who go through life in a frenzied hurry, not exactly knowing what they are after.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Blogging away my weekend blues....

A nice thought from Julia cameron:

"Leap and the net will appear"

* * * * *

Today morning I was on my way to the office when I saw a middle aged man lying by the roadside, struggling with an epileptic attack. I would've just passed by but two young men on their bike stopped and rushed to help him. I too followed them. They gave him a bunch of keys and I put my bike's key in his other hand. He struggled for a minute and recovered slowly. We helped him get up. He started in his choking voice about his ailment, how this was his third attack that morning, how he required rs. 90 for the tablets, etc. Those guys thought for a while and put rs. 20 in his hand and went away. I gave him another 20 but he said he only wanted the medicine, not the money and it would be very kind of me if I could help him get those tablets.
As I drove back, I constantly thought about that man. What if he were just acting to extract money ( he recovered so fast ! I recalled ). I shouldn't have given him so much --I had added another 100 rs. to the initial 20.

What if he was not acting and was really in need of medication?

Why is it that I dream up situations in which those who matter watch me perform such acts and express their admiration silently?

This troubles me more. I couldn't say no when he pleaded for money. I gave him money because I couldn't say 'no', more than because I felt for his misery.

* * * * *

Today is the day of worshipping Goddess Mahalakshmi. I didn't even remotely think that there could be worlds beyond what we see, hear, touch etc, and there are beings there like us, better than us or worse than us. This is something that has to be directly experienced than argued upon: like you can't convince a blind man about the splendour of the rainbow, he will know only when he 'sees'.

But how do you see?

I'll write emphatically about this only when I 'see' for myself. Right now I only have the faith that I can see if I sincerely follow my master.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Gump is a master.

This is interesting!
Chuang tzu, a chinese master has said this:
' In order to find happiness, Man has to transcend his desire for success and wealth and also his fear of failure and poverty.'
Yesterday night I watched a portion of Forrest Gump, for the umpteenth time. Gump is relieved of his service in the army and sent home. He holds his termination letter and says 'And that was eeet. My service in the army just ended like thaaat.' And he just runs home.
Gump is a master but he doesn't know it. On the surface he's a fool but he has all the qualities of a master. I may be relieved of my work in a month or two. I'm not sure if I show a similar response. Bet I'd love to.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The day after...

Independence day brings back memories of the celebrations in my school days. It was something we all looked forward to although there wasn't much stuff in it. One incident is still vivid in memory. A friend who was always short of money asked me to lend him a rupee so that he could buy an icecream cone. I had the money but wanted to buy a chocolate bar for myself, so I lied that I had none. I ate the chocolate bar but his disappointment stayed in me--I couldn't forgive myself for this. I wonder where all those people are now.
Yesterday was somehow melancholic. I saw two good movies but was out of mood in the end. Sometimes it happens. You get so involved in a movie or a book that the characters become real for you, you don't want the tragedy to happen, you wish they'd fared better, you forget that they are just imaginary people. "Road to Perdition" sucked me in totally. I need more detachment, not only from imaginary people but also from the real ones.
I'm waiting for some magic to happen. There are many things that I want in life and somehow unconsciously, I wish they materialise on their own. Postponement is my current obsession.

Feeling out of sorts today!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Only for the highly intelligent

Those with a iq more than 100, please visit the url below.

And don't forget to laugh.

Me,myself and ........

Sometime back I kept a journal for a year or two and whenever I had trouble I'd vomit into it--so to say. It contained many dark things but strangely it made for a highly interesting reading. It was very authentic but I couldn't share it with anyone, so when a friend went through it I was mad at him. Most of it, I've thrown away and some I disguised in a few stories I wrote during that period. I doubt if I write all those things here. I doubt if this kind of censoring hinders the genuineness of my writings here.
Nonetheless, I'm enjoying these posts and even if nobody bothers to read my blog, I for one will read it.
There are a lot of changes back home. Dad is no longer the tiger he used to be. He's more subdued these days since he retired from service. He's more relaxed ever since I came out of my hippie mindset and decided to settle down. I don't know to what extent I'm responsible for other's attitudes towards life. But we are more friendly and approachable to each other now.
Mom want's me to take more responsibilities on one hand, and at the same time wants me to listen to her. She's quite mysterious. I'm curious about her silent strength and motivation.

Yeah, I'm trying to impress all those who read these lines. So what!

Once I read a fantastic novel in which the hero is somewhat of a recluse. We hardly see him in the novel but the entire story revolves around him. Those who know him try to find him but he keeps escaping into his solitude. In the accounts narrated by these people and in their efforts to reach him, a very compelling portrait of the hero emerges.
Okay okay, I want the same thing to happen here. I'm the hero and in the accounts of the people who know me, a portrait of mine shall emerge.
( Ignore the last paragraph. The computer has taken over and is adding these lines on its own.)

The weekend is here. Hurray! A business man,(vijay mallya, I think) said "I've been successful because I don't have this 'thank god, it's friday' attitude. I love my job"
Point noted. But still it's friday and I feel like dancing.

Friday, August 12, 2005

I want to fly over there....

Have you ever stood on those shores and become one with the blue?
Have you ever listened to the silence that whispers just for you?
Have you been awed by the glory of Nature when your mind refuses to chatter?
When God touches you with tender hands, Life and its worries-do they matter?

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Trip, blogs and the weather

Good things are happening on their own. I seriously wanted to stay at home and miss the mysore trip but there was very little chance that I could afford to say no to my family, having done that many times in the past. I told my friends ( with the usual scowl ), dreamt not going anywhere, wrote it here in my posts, and good golly, the trip's cancelled! Three days of laziness after quite a long time! I'm gonna love it.
Got to read some good blogs. When I began browsing for blogs, I thought this was a medium for all the frustated morons out there who were desperately searching for a place to howl their lungs out. Many blogs actually confirmed this but since two days I'm browsing through some real good sites. Have added one or two in my links and will add more soon.This is a real phenomenon-- this blog thing. So many sensible and intellingent voices sharing their thoughts and opinions with the whole world!
Bangalore' s back to its pleasant old days. The traffic's horrible, not to speak of the bustling crowds and pollution but the weather gods are kind on us.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Paradise..... I think so.

Too wicked

Why is HONEY golden in color?

A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.

The answer may be found below.


umm, ramblings, sort of...

* there's a problem with the new build of linux. No work since saturday. Today? God knows. Feeling wasted.
* going to mysore this weekend with family. Hate to travel, feel like sitting in my room and read. Or lie down, stare at the ceiling and dream.
* Last night was full of dreams. Saw all the people I know in various situations. Everyone were there. Heard, you see your whole life in one shot just before you die.
* Anand's invited for his daughter's naming ceremony. Lot of activities on independance day-aug 15. No independence for me. May be I have to be here in the office. Can't take a holiday since my internship period is yet to be completed.
* Anand doesn't look like a father. Only when he carries his one year old in his arms do you realise this idiot is a dad.
* Lot of work pending. Need to translate my newsletter. Five hours into the night for sure. Car's battery has gone bust. A bit of shopping to do.
* Archu' s a bit sad. Will talk to her today. I was too much preoccupied with other things and hardly thought about her but blurted over the phone that I miss her so much. Felt bad for being such a damn liar. I miss nothing. I'm a detached balloon. She knows it.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Butterflies in your belly

There's a new disease doing the rounds----it's called mondayitis. Working people suffer this on monday mornings after enjoying a weekend ---- I'm not joking, its serious. I used to get this when I began work in this office but now, i think i've made my peace with mondayitis. Someone gave a concoction and I'll share it here soon.
Yesterday was good and bad. Good 'cause I met all my friends and had a nice time. Bad 'cause a long forgotten nightmare revisited. I thought it had vanished but it was there, alive and thriving.

Two good thoughts ;

A friend says ' If you find danger, step into it.'

My master says ' Failure is a part of sucess. In fact, it's the first sign post you see on the road to success.'

Saturday, August 06, 2005

A new day....

Yesterday was good--- I finally did what I had been planning to do for a long time----start blogging. Then I went home and in between all the busy work dreamt a lot about this blogging thing---- scores of people visit my blog and post comments, I become a part of the blogging community and make a lot of friends, there are offers of making serious money here but I turn it down(geee... i wanna keep this clean and non commercial, you know), we exchange serious information through this platform and soon this becomes something really significant, blah blah blah! In between a seemingly sane voice whispered,' Just shut up and do some serious writing. We'll see if you can change the world through your rantings but first, get things clear in between your ears.' I always listen to this voice but a bit late--- after enjoying the adrenaline rush of my day dreams.
Today I'm at my office though it's a weekend holiday. We are running against a deadline, but strangely the work is yet to start though it's well past noon. Did a good thing that I came late. If the systems don't get ready in an hour I'll be leaving. Before that I think I'll share some thoughts.
What exactly am I going to post here is yet to be finalised. First things first. This will be purely personal so at times I'm not going to censor or edit. Raw things may get posted here but I'll make sure it doesn't stink. I get a lot of jokes from friends and the really good ones will find their way here. I'll write about my job, my dreams of writing, my friends and family, my girlfriend, of course the weather, about George Bush(poor guy), about my conversations with my bike, about my daydreams, my nightmares and some real interesting stuff that doesn't belong to this world.
A friend sent this from across the shores:
Two wise men are sitting near an icecream parlour( okay make it blair and bush).
Blair asks,' how was the exam?' Bush licks the cream from the corner of his lips and says,'Good. but i had a hard time answering that damn question about the past tense of 'think'. I thought, thought, thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
I think I like this guy--- Bush. Real funny idiot.

Friday, August 05, 2005

About rains

Today the topic is only about rains. Nothing else.
We are entering the peak of monsoons here in bangalore, and last week, Mumbai had to live through the worst nightmare in its recent memory. Heard on TV that many people were on the roads for more than 16 hours before they could reach home. Mumbai was totally at the mercy of the weather gods--- it's always at the mercy of some God-- if not the weather god, then the mafia god or the political gods.
Mumbai always haunts you for the rest of your life if you visit it even once. It's a ghost city. A city that's too fast for ordinary mortals. You can't forget it's tasty vadaa pav, the ever overcrowded local trains, the tremendous mix of various cultures in its belly, the feeling of loneliness you experience in a crowd and strangely, the feeling of being at home even if you are alone.
I feel Mumbai has reached its bursting point.

drizzle, rain and everything in between.

This madness of connecting with the rains has remained with me since my childhood. Even now when it rains, I feel like taking a walk through the falling sheets and I do it sometimes. When I'm cruising on my bike if it starts raining, nothing like it. Archu has suffered this crazyness of mine more than once, getting thoroughly drenched sitting on the pillion.

The tea was, as usual fantastic but by the time I finished, it started raining heavily. I had to wait there for more than 20 minutes before the rain tapered down to the enchanting drizzle it has been since this morning.

This was the place a friend visited last year. It' s an ancient fort of the maratha kings, built some 300 years ago, situated somewhere in the heartland of Maharashtra. This place reminds me of another beautiful place in my native which I'd visit every summer until 5 years ago. It looked something similar to this picture, the only difference being you stand on the tip of that cliff and as you look out, what you see is not the valley bathed in mist but a vast expanse of the arabian sea, with the crystal blue of a clear sky on top.

hello world

yaawn. It's drizzling outside and I'm freezing inside my cubicle, waiting for the work to restart. It doesn't seem to start in this millenia and one look outside the window, I'm tempted to take a walk down the wet street to the little tea shop, greet the little rustic who looks as if he had a bath last christmas and order a 'half tea'. I think I'll do that in a minute and then continue this piece.