Wednesday, April 29, 2009


... Like a polar bear which snuggles inside the earth to escape the winter.

Or maybe, more like going into a cocoon hoping to come out transformed.

Or just to see if I can let go...let go of this space, which has been so much a part of my life for the past 4 years.

Sorting things out. Planning new things. Working. Waiting.

Bye for now.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

On a Tea-walk

You call this a Tea-walk because you take a walk with a cup of tea in hand and, in between conversations, or reflections(if you're walking alone), you sip from the cup. And continue to walk or talk or reflect.

We started this nearly 4 years ago, in my initial days in this company. A colleague, who was also a friend beyond the office cublice would accompany me and we'd stroll atleast twice in a day(sometimes thrice). A 200 meter road stretches beside a park near my office, lined by tall trees with thick foliage on one side and posh houses on the other. To walk this silent stretch on a hot day was a really pleasant experience, amidst all the stress and boredom of the routine work. We'd order two half-cups of tea in a bakery at one end of the road, and begin to amble under the shade, sipping slowly from the cups, talking leisurely. A milk booth stood at the other end of the road, and by the time we reached that spot, the cups would be empty. Then we'd order spiced butter-milk packets and, sipping the throat churning drink, return to the cubicle. And wait for another walk in the late afternoon hours. Just refreshing.

What was really interesting about his 1/2 hour spell was the conversation. Anything under the sun would come up for discussion. Of course there was gossip, bitching, small talk, sometimes silences. And good exchanges about topics close to our hearts--meditations, spirituality, Work at Manasa, escape from the cubicle life, movies, music, books....everything punctuated by hot sips from the cup.

The colourful sights and mild sounds of the surroundings would add to the magic of this ambience. Birds would chirp in the branches high above. Sometimes a mild drizzle would break out and the earth would yeild its thirst quenching odours. Evening rays breaking through the wet leaves. Children would play on the see-saw or run around in the park. Brisk walkers and exercising elders would walk past in the evenings. A few autorickshaws would be parked by the roadside and the drivers would be fast asleep inside-- probably after working at night and having nowhere to go in a new city, sleeping the whole day in their vehicles. Young couples would shed their hesitation and melt in one another's arms on the park benches, unmindful of the elderly lady walking past. 'Then, you know, you always get your best ideas in the shower....' 'Mmm.... Must be something. But I take all major decisions of the day in the loo...'

Of course, the season changes. But the 200 mt stretch stays. So do all those tall trees. Also the boredom, frustration and bewilderment at work. I come back to the same bakery and pick up half a cup. And amble the lonely road, reflecting, also calming my thoughts. The quietitude of this place belongs to another world. Stop worrying. Don't think about life rushing past before you can blink. Don't think about the dying dreams. Listen to the rustle of the young leaves. Listen. Stay Awake.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Thirty thoughts...

The deal is a simple one. Sit back and jot down thirty thougths in thirty minutes. Blog it. I saw it here and here and I thought, I'd give a try too. I could make only 26 entries in 30 minutes, but went ahead to complete the list, in another 5 minutes. So here they go.

1.Air everywhere, outside-natural, here-from the fan. The hot air outside and the leaves smile. Not here.

2. It's okay to be blank. Not have answers. Being silent. Empty.

3. What if there was no memory? How would life be different then? Do animals/plants have memory?

4. Can we live without depending on the crutches of technology? How will life change if everything comes apart, as is being predicted? A simple life, like the one I know from my childhood days in my native village. Is it possible for everyone?

5. Friendship is like oxygen--you hardly notice it but know the value only when it's absent.

6. Yeah, it's not the people in your life but how you relate to people, that determines your happiness.

7. A couple of birds chirp in the hot afternoon breeze. Hot, afternoon breeze is supposed to be melancholic for me, but why do I expect the same for those birds?

8. Maybe we're all escapists, hoping for everything to crash down because it's all so overwhelming, and want things to remain simple. Maybe I've that attitude and that makes me think that all are similar.

9. At some point, you feel, you made a big mistake in choosing to walk down the road. No matter which road you choose! Isn't it?

10. Read about the phony culture of Dubai, where lakhs slave away in pathetic conditions to keep up the glitter and glamour! Isn't it the case everywhere? Darkness underneath the glittering peak.

11. When I get angry, where does the energy arise from? From which dark corner of my heart? How does it blind me, make me so venemous, so stupid?

12. What if time stops? What if we started living in the Now, this moment onwards? And threw away all watches, clocks....? Will that solve everything?

13. I dreamt that I was the second husband and was feeling friendly, accomodating and sorry for the first one. Such expansion in the dreamland but not here, in reality. Jealousy, hatred, possesiveness rule here and if you don't get angry, you're a loser. Being full of shit is normal here. Cool.

14. There's such joy and fun in watching my son shout in anger--his anger is so full of grace, innocence and pure power.

15. Details are always overwhelming but you can't wish them away. As long as you're alive, you've to deal with them.

16. I wanted to cut three coconut branches. Dad says, 'I look after the tree like my child , how can you cut those branches?' I reason, argue, go ahead and cut it, all along knowing very well that he's right.

17. Why do I want to change this world into something better, something peaceful, something devoid of violence? Is it right? Who gives me the right to do so? Am I different from the advancing talibani hoardes who want to change the world into their version of heaven? Who gives them the right?

18. Death is so close to me and I don't want to turn around and say hello. It's the closest but I shudder to even think of it.

19. Then this flashed many times. You continue to exist, because your awareness isn't lost after death. Maybe you'll be more expanded until you incarnate again but no, even death cannot kill your awareness.

20. Three days of darkness and light, when our earth stops and reverses its rotation. Will that happen? Are we in the middle of an intense upheaval that's going to change things in unimaginable ways?

21. Relations are myths. I haven't met many of my relatives in ages and hardly think of them. Their non-presence makes no difference to my life. Out of sight--out of mind.

22. A bird had drowned in a small pool and died. Elder sister and I dug a small grave and buried it. I stroked its belly before putting it away. That touch I still remember after so many years.

23. Millions of stars and heavenly bodies up there. Such arrogance in saying that life exists only on this small speck called earth in all of the Universe. Life, as we define it.

24. Parellel universes, parellel lives, expanded consciousness, telepathy-teleporting--what if we evolve in this direction, from the next step onwards?

25. A cricket match on tv. Brings back memories of that cricket match that I watched, long back, at the darkest hour. The batsman is the same. As if he's a friend who was with me then and is with me even now.

26. Thirsty earth. Like all creation, I too am thirsty. For something that ends this thirst forever.

27. Living on this globe, there's a roundedness to life. You end where you begin, you come back to the same place, the same people, the same situation but with more awareness, more understanding. There's no straight path, only a circle.

28. I have similar questions about lust, as I have about Anger. And of course, about love, about laughter, about tears and sadness.

29. What If we could sit back, at a small height, and look at life in one big expanse, from birth to death and maybe beyond? Why are we so close, so involved that it blinds us to larger realities?

30. What you think is actually real. All your thoughts, emotions and drama exist, at a different level. It was amusing when He told me this, long ago, but now I shudder at that possiblity.

Give it a try and see if it loosens something inside you, brings out something unexpected, something alarming and funny. If nothing, it's a good way to break out of a false belief(at times) that you have nothing significant to say.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009


Blogging blues strike again but in good company this time. I'm tired and depressed for no apparent reason--on all fronts. I'd love to say it's because of the hot weather, or maybe because of the general sense of gloom and hardships the world over, and I'm receiving a part of that mass karma. Or maybe, I'm feeling down and out for a silly reason, and am attracting similar vibes and feeling more depressed, attract stonger blues and on and on in a downward spiral. Or maybe I'm plain stupid. Whatever the reason, I feel stuck in each and every field. My meditation practices have stagnated and I feel, I have no energy to pull myself into a state of silence. Job sucks. My boss is an awesome asshole but I remember this advice and feel depressed--his assholeness isn't my problem, I only need to get the hell outta here, find something better, something that doesn't kill my soul. I began a few ventures and they fizzled out pretty soon. One blunder happened but the worse part was my inaction, my non-acknowledgment of it, my lack of seriousness. I go on to say something, blurt out something dumb and soon there are sullen faces around.

I know it's temporary and this too shall pass. And it isn't a good practice to spread gloom in a world which is already fucked up and is in desperate need of something fresh, something cheerful, something inspiring. And there's no point in massaging that self-pity gland in your brains and enjoy a bout of sado-masochistic pleasure.

But if blogging is something about jotting down your day-to-day experiences, observations, insights and stupidity and sharing it with others--not just giving a hunky-dory picture of reality, then this is my reality for today. Let it go into the records.