Monday, September 16, 2013

Straight from the Gut...

 The continuous lashing of rains...the hissing sound...I just love it. Closing my eyes, I listen to the various textures and rhythms of rainfall, as late monsoons drizzle over my city at night. Then I realize---the sound and music of rains was humming in the background all along, only I wasn’t paying attention. I was lost somewhere inside my head. Now I listen, and the rains come alive.

 Something may exist or may not, it doesn’t matter. Only when my attention rests on it does it become alive for me.
***

You and I are living in a post apocalyptic world. The apocalypse was supposed to happen on 21st Dec, 2012. And 2013 onwards, either it would be a desolate Earth or an enlightened world that we would inhabit. We should have been living in Light bodies by now!

Nothing dramatic has happened! Or has it? The Planet chugs on its tracks in space, as usual. Early morning brings the milk vendor to my doorstep. Similar events, people and situations cross my awareness through the day. Tiredness envelops me as I embrace the night.

This wasn’t what we had signed up for! What enthusiasm, hopes and dreams we had about the spectacle of 2012, for nearly 3 odd years! And how passionately we believed in all that drama! What an utter flop of imagination!

I wanna believe in mystery and magic again. I want to encounter the miraculous. Not the mundane ordinary everyday world, but something transcendental! Something sublime! Don’t want this slow transformation....want a quantum leap...a total paradigm shift...a sudden makeover into an entirely new world!

***

‘You were on a runway for 3 years,’ I told Karthik. ‘Now you are taking off!’.

 Yes, Karthik’s small dream took off, with a workshop. Three years ago, he started Vishwa Amara and began putting some wonderful knowledge online, through articles and two ebooks. There were students receiving spiritual guidance too. It was low key, kinda gathering strength, maybe.

Now he has stepped out. Conducted a meditation workshop, thrown open to any spiritual enthusiast. There were three dozen attendees. Some fantastic and new techniques to practice. A small event on a lazy Sunday afternoon, in a relatively unknown corner of Bangalore.

No...not a small event !!! This is a take off point. It carries huge potential. Like a stream which will eventually become a raging river, Vishwa Amara is now at a phase where it can become the focal point of spiritual seekers, all over the world! They have the knowledge, techniques and Spiritual contacts. They have the credibility, built up and nurtured over years. They are absolutely dedicated to their work. And...they are fantastically capable of guiding people spiritually!

Years later...this small workshop will be remembered as the point where Vishwa Amara opened up. I’m mighty happy for these two friends of mine, for the opportunities that stretch before them. And yes.... a bit concerned of the pitfalls that come with great work, great responsibilities and recognition. The pitfall that ate up someone who walked this path earlier.

If they don’t pay attention...it will eat them too!

***

How do you feel when you are at the receiving end of intense love? Tremendous passion...something like a single minded madness, but totally pure, totally sublime. Do you think... ‘Wow, what a gift from the Universe?’ Or do you think, ‘Do I deserve this? Can I take it?’

I feel both. And I also feel.... is it possible to offer such an intense, pure, passionate Love...to another human being? And if it’s possible...what a pristine pure heart it must be, which offers such love!

***

I still can’t believe that he is no more! Some people trust totally that he’s still around, guiding them---but for me, he is dead and gone. Like anyone else. It’s difficult to digest the fact that someone like him can be vanquished and taken away by Death!

At one stage, we were in awe of him, in total worship mode. Then as we understood his work, the awe turned to respect and reverence. I wanted to be like him, develop his strength, develop his capabilities at handling difficult situations, become expansive the way he was, carry the love and compassion that he had....

Then...he disappointed! Mightily. Like a very interesting movie which falters post interval and ends up in a stupid climax! You come out of the hall, weary eyed, with a bitter taste in your mouth, undecided whether you enjoyed the first half or wasted your day. You love someone, and that person flops, makes a fool of himself, contradicts himself---and you squirm, wondering, ‘what...’. You feel betrayed for placing your love, trust and emotions in that person. Think sachin tendulkar who gets clean bowled at the death overs, after painstakingly building a great innings...!

 People have very fond memories of him—memories filled with love, reverence and gratitude. I too have such memories, but they get clouded by something else. I try to remember his smiling, laughing, loving face....and his angry, stern face comes up. I think of the solid base he built up, the fantastic structures he raised...and they stand before me as empty, hollow, lifeless edifices Now. The diamonds he had gathered around him, those who had great capabilities, dedication and pure love for his work---I try to remember them. But the only faces I remember are that of the sycophants and devotees...who never questioned, who considered a kick-on-your-ass as a divine test, who had a boss-is-always-right attitude.

Then it strikes.... it’s a ‘last impression’ syndrome, about which I wrote earlier.

His Soul is resting in peace, I’m sure. Maybe he’s smiling, from wherever he is, at this drama, at the way he continues to affect people in various ways long after his departure. The drama has ended for him, but we are still stuck in it. And enjoying it, a bit!!!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Talking to someone....

‘What’s eating you,’ I asked him.

He said... ‘I want to watch a movie and lose myself into it. Want to lose myself into the story, into the characters, into their emotions and thoughts...their world. Want to forget myself for some time ...I want to forget where I am...’

‘You will be fine’....I told him, although I didn’t completely believe it. He looked lost.

He sighed once before blurting out... ‘My heart says something...and I don’t want to believe it.’

‘What is it?’

‘That.....what I hold dear, what I trust totally, what I cherish with my very breath.....it’s an illusion. What I consider most sacred....is just frivolous. The people who’re very dear to me and whom I love totally....they secretly laugh at me, at my passion for them.’

He was in tears...but continued, ‘And I don’t want to believe it. I want things to be pure, as it was, sacred as it was....innocent as it was.’

I knew that he would be fine....one day, in the future. He would look back on this day with a smile. Maybe even laugh at this desperate situation. But that would happen in the future....and to get there....he would have to pass through this dark night.

The night grew dark....but somewhere there....on the horizon....a sun was waiting. I didn’t tell him that. I let him sit and cry and wallow in his tears.

Maybe this catharsis was needed, after all.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Why do we blog....?


  Was thinking about this whole blogging thing. This word 'blog' is derived from 'web log'....a place on the web where we 'log' our lives....the events, our reactions to it, the results of those reactions, our emotions and thoughts, dreams and fears, memories and hurts! And many of these are also recorded in the posts.....yet, at times, when I think of the motivation behind such an act, I wonder why? Why should I tell the whole world about what's happening in my life? Why do millions of people do it? What pushes them to share their personal stuff with total strangers? Forget blogs, why do people write memoirs? Why do we gossip about others? Why do we text each other about our intimate secrets? How come we open up with another human being and tell her/him about ourselves, and wish to know what's happening with them?

I have an intellectual answer for this....an answer which is also deeply felt at times. It's because we are not separate but ONE. We have just fragmented, into 7 billion humans, into millions of other life forms, into trillions of particles of matter and non-matter. And beyond this Earth, we've fragmented into whole stars, galaxies, worlds and Universes!! But we belong to one WHOLE and we want to know what's happening with the other fragments. We want to tell the other fragments whats happening to us, what we saw, what we heard, felt, thought, suffered, enjoyed, experienced! There's this tremendous pull between all of us...a force greater than all our differences, fights and divisions! No matter what, we want to come together, sit together and share our stories....in the depth of the nights, before a fireplace, in that warmth!!!

Remember this next time....when you share something on facebook, or message someone, or gossip with a friend on the phone or sit with another soul and listen to their story.....remember, that you're in the middle of a deep spiritual act! An act of sharing your self with another self....and at a deeper level, you both are merging with one another, blissfully.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Reflective.....


Bewarsi is a lovely word which I remember using at a very young age. It means ‘lawaris’ or orphan----someone whose ancestry /parentage is questionable. Quite a strong word to address someone with. So you could imagine the horrified dirty looks one would receive by way of using this soft word. My mom would run behind us, broomstick in hand, whenever we abused someone calling them bewarsi.

Off late we use such cuss words in abandon, not to abuse or insult but with great love and affection. So God becomes God baddi maga (son of the gun). Jesus is a munde ganda (widow-lover) and immediately you have people who love him at my throat asking, ‘how can you use such abusive words for him?’ It’s as if Christ belongs exclusively to them and you dare not lift a finger against him. Take it to an extreme and you have hero-worship of movie stars and a ‘Satanic Verses’ earning a death penalty to its author.

Possessive love which perceives insults...or carefree love which accommodates! You know which destroys and which nurtures. How do you accommodate those who get worked up at your carefree love?  ‘Connect to your inner-self and you have all the answers’ is the most profound advice. I go within to connect but my inner bewarsi is in a deep slumber! The more I ping him, the more blankness arises so I leave it at that.

We are finally saying goodbye to our Car. And it’s not been easy! This maroon Matiz was a part of our lives for the past 8 years, standing witness to our joys and sorrows, a silent participant in the flow our lives. Giving it away is like giving away a part of your memory, a slice of your life-stream. There is heavy-heartedness! And I know for sure that the consciousness at the centre of this machine—the personality of this car.....it too feels, it has its emotions and language---maybe radically different from ours. Maybe it’s feeling down for leaving us, or maybe joyful for the next step of its life. Or maybe it is tired and worn out....and just wants to rest and let go!

I have a final theory about her....that she’s not one but two people. The loving, humble, ever-smiling and expansive-as-the-sky darling that I knew for long....that was one person. Then the scheming, arrogant, mean-hearted devil she became—it wasn’t the same person but someone else. Maybe a walk-in who kicked out the noble soul and took its place. Such a dramatic transformation, and you can’t help but think that the angel finished its work and left...and the devil took its place.

So while I love the angel, I despise the devil. Or...thinking about the devil makes my blood boil but the angel’s memories are soothing. Fucking duality!

There is an intense desire...to transcend the ordinariness of this life. To come out of the routine. To take a paradigm leap and look at life anew. To be free from the clutches of time and step into the dimension of Timelessness! To move from being a cog in the machine to becoming a co-creator of one’s own life! To experience pure Bliss! And unconditional Love! And one’s connection to the Source!

The desire is to do it NOW. Or rather, be all these....this moment!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Breaking a New Dawn...


I have a new ritual, off late.

 Every morning I wake up and ask, ‘What does today have in store for me?’ And sometimes that day springs up a surprise and knocks me down. As the new dawn breaks open, I go into the day with an open mind, without expecting anything....and many times get enriched. A new way of relating to life. And it’s totally refreshing!!!

There is joy in the air. A fun perspective for mundane things. Some of us meet online and make a laugh-riot over something or the other... like this. Come from joy, moment by moment. Share that joy with others and laugh endlessly. Madness...divine madness!

Tolle says ‘be in this moment....everything else is an illusion’.... and I’m beginning to experience it. Did not expect this new ‘me’...a few months ago.  So..... have stopped seeing where I’ll go from here. This moment is beautiful and it’s opening new avenues for me.

Grateful!!!

                                                          * * *                                                         

‘It’s my duty to tell you where you are going wrong’
‘You guys are not treating your elders well. How much hurt you’ve caused them and what karmas you’ve attracted?’
‘Why do you talk to your kid in that language? You should be speaking to him in ‘our’ language, isn’t it?’
‘These people, these new friends of yours....you don’t know about them’
‘And your writing.....you should write in this particular way...that’s what suits you and will make you rich and famous’

....Finally I said, ‘Dude, Just shut the f*** up and get lost’.

Then I tried to analyse why this person is still an annoyance in my life all these years. A kind of self-examination. I don’t go around telling others what’s wrong with them. Nor do I interfere in or dissect their family affairs. I’m unbothered about someone’s parenting skills, interactions or vocation. All my friendships are light and easy—we talk, laugh, message, chat, meet, exchange pleasantries and go our ways---without making any effort to improve the other person. This particular relation has been a headache and it’s amazing that I’ve put up with this so long.

‘Something’s within you.... some trait ...which attracts his energies. Check’. ....Mmmm. I have this slight desire to share, to lead, to guide. A kind of ‘I know something good here, and since you don’t know it, I wanna share it with you and help you grow’. A genuine wish to help others... but still a bit patronising. Is this trait pulling this great man towards me? Or any other unconscious pattern that still needs to be addressed?

I believe, and know to some extent, that things happen in such ways---there are no accidents.  Some people in your life are nothing but major lessons. Those unlearnt lessons manifest as these people until you learn and let go. Then such people detach from you and go in search of those who match their energies. Clear yourself first and you’re free of them!

So as I begin to love and accept these traits within me...I also thank this person for bringing me this lesson. I gently remove him from my life once for all and let him go his way, on his journey to learn/unlearn his lessons. Good bye to the old dross! And I continue to walk on the new path that’s opening up before me!

* * *
 A friend connects to me on face-book and I’m hearing from him after nearly 20 years! He was this gentle, studious, charming person and as I go through his wall and try to relate to the new person he has become, I’m pulled back in time to my high-school years.

That time of severe changes, a transitory period from childhood to adolescence. The start of stammering, of aloofness, of severe studies and ambitions of getting a rank at the state level board exams. The time of losing innocence, responding to the new changes in the body, the awkwardness. The time of learning martial arts, playing football all day long, learning to rebel in small ways. The friends of those years whom life pulled away in different unknown directions. The teachers and their everlasting influence. The humiliations, triumphs and bewilderments.

It was a bubble... a kind of cocoon we had entered before bursting forth into an unknown, dangerous world beyond the school years. A safe cocoon! And very similar to where I find myself in, right now!! This cocoon is safe now but very soon we will be bursting forth into a new world. An extraordinary, dangerous world pulsating with new possibilities and potentials.

That world needs a new heart, a pair of new wings. And this cocoon is the place to build them!

Friday, March 08, 2013

Helping Saint Nick...

 Nick is a blogger friend from Louiseville, US whom I know from my early blogging days of 2005. I've been reading his blog posts---regularly in the beginning and on-off recently. His 'too bad it's monday' jokes are a perennial favourite, which never fail to bring a smile even in my most strained moments. He blogs about his daily life, his rich memories, his views on current affairs, some family matters and not to forget, the adventures of his cat, Alex. When we had the Light channels world movement five years ago, I requested him to write a few words about it and he graciously wrote a post, attracting a stream of comments and responses. An endearing oldman, nonethless. Connected across continents through this medium of penning down our lives in words!

His recent posts had streaks of his failing health and family neglect... but even in the middle of the gloom and loneliness, he would unfailingly ignite a spark of life with a cheerful word or a positive twist. So when I went over to his blog yesterday, I was struck sad by his current situation. In his own words....'I am sitting at my desk, shaking. Earlier today I was cuddling with Alex—and crying. My life since early December has been a nightmare: continued illness (constant pain in my left leg), no caregiver (because Congress cut VA funding for the program), financial stress (I do not have enough money for more than 3 weeks food), and loneliness (I am rejected by my sons, not even allowed to visit my grandchildren) have more than taken their toll on my life. .'

 I donno in what way anyone of us here in India or anywhere else can be of service to Nick. His problems seem too numerous and enormous for any one individual to assist him with. The only thing that came to my mind was to send a donation to his account, and Just pray for him. Then, another thought...why not ask others also to do the same? Maybe my small contribution might not be of much help but a few more helping hands, and his burden might ease just a little bit.

 I wrote to him to confirm his paypal account details etc and he has put a widget on his blog, through which anyone can make a donation. Today, some of us contributed a bit(quite substantial for us, but maybe just a few hundred dollars in his currency). I request each one of you reading these words to checkout his blog, and if you feel inspired, consider making a Donation...any amount that you feel makes sense to you. Please!

You may use the Donate button on the top right corner of his blog page.(under the heading Gifts for Sometimes Saintly Nick)

 I've added a post on facebook, so please share it on your walls and request your friends. I've also pinged a few friends living in US to pool up some donations to help this bubbly old(?)man  spend his sunset years peacefully. Any help...even the smallest, would add up to give him the required medical care and assistance. Perhaps more than anything, the compassion and prayers of strangers would by itself boost his confidence and give him much Cheer and Joy. Thank you and God Bless!
*******
Update Heart felt thanks to some friends who have posted about Nick on Facebook and also have donated a bit.

 There was some expectation that many more friends would comment and also volunteer to donate! It takes some heart to feel empathy, to loosen our purse strings, but... as someone said.... Money should flow like air, like river through our lives. To receive generously from the Universe, we should also be generous in giving!!!

 Making a donation through paypal is slightly tricky, especially for a first time user. If you haven't used paypal before, and want to make a donation to Nick:
   1) Go to www.Paypal.com and create an account with your email id. Ensure that your name is the same as it appears in your bank account/Credit Card.
   2) Add your Bank Account Details or Credit Card details to your account (Login to Paypal and click on Profile)
   3) Wait for a day or two for Paypal to make a couple of transactions in your account.
   4) Then log into Paypal and Get Verified by entering the details of the above Paypal Transactions.

 All set! Now you can make transactions using Paypal. Go to Nick's blog, click on the Donate button, enter your paypal credentials, and you'll be able to make a Donation.

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Embrace and Surrender....Love and Accept...!!!

Once I was very angry with a friend. In fact, I was boiling with rage thinking of all the drama and dance that was happening because of him, and also was upset with a couple of other losers. In that enraged state of mind, I wrote a mail to an agony aunt. I poured my heart out, asking for advice, solace, direction etc. More than anything, I guess, I was expecting some gossip from her and also a confirmation that ‘yes, this guy deserves all your anger and rage, so go on hating him’.
She gave a simple reply which knocked me off. ‘Love and Accept him, just as he is,’ she said. ‘He is your mirror. What you see in him is nothing but what’s raging on inside yourself. So just totally accept, love and embrace that anger. Surrender to it, within yourself, and you won’t be affected by the outside garbage.'

Did I take that advice to heart?  I tried...after much time had passed, to accept his shortcomings, as if they were within me. And there were other factors which cooled down my disappointment and rage towards him and others, but what she said stuck with me. It was bloody fascinating. Come across something that irks you, and instead of fighting it, just look within, see it there, love and accept it, and voila! You’re free of it. Mumbo jumbo!!
That it wasn’t mumbo jumbo and was something for real hit me when I was sitting across a job-interview table, nervously anticipating a volley of questions, wondering which was worse----not getting a job or looking like a total fool. I had attended nearly a dozen interviews by then and was beginning to feel that I’d be stuck forever in my former organization, unable to get out of the rut. The nervousness and anxiety was quite palpable. In one or two interviews, I’d managed to answer almost all questions but had lost out because of this lack of confidence and jitteriness. So there I am, fidgeting and worrying, and then I begin to breathe deep and say to myself... ‘it’s ok, this anxiety, this nervousness. I’m loving(?) it and accepting(??) it.’

It appears hilarious from here, but believe me, it worked! Ten minutes later, when I’m answering questions on how to test software and what’s the one great thing about myself and my organization and all such stuff, I’m leaning back in my chair, one leg over the other, ABSOLUTELY RELAXED, as if I’m the CEO of that company, looking at the two ladies who’re grilling me as if they’re nervous newcomers. How did it work, I have no clue. Where did the nervousness go? The fear of not making it? The anxiety of not knowing an answer and looking like a dumb idiot? No idea! Did that concept of ‘loving and accepting’ the fear remove all my jitteriness?  I don’t know. Even before the interview got over, I knew that I’d made it, and the offer letter would pop up any time!
That this practice of ‘love and accept’ is one of the strongest mantras...I have little doubt about it. There are countless incidents of people using it to overcome very strong traits within themselves. And it has worked miraculously in physical healing as well as in nurturing strained relationships. I was talking to a friend recently who said that a wart on the leg got healed in a day when he lovingly spoke to it, saying he had totally accepted it.

We live in a weird Universe where the laws are changing rapidly before we realise what on Earth is transpiring. One law which is a constant is the law of Love. Be in its vibrations and you’ve arrived home, irrespective of what adventures you’re having, in which corner of Existence!
Love and Accept....deeply! Anything. Everything. Wanted to just jot this down when I'm trying to move more deeply into this concept.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Stepping into a New World...

I stand mesmerised
at the blueness of her oceanic eyes
at the vastness of her heart's sky
and the lush greenery of her smile.
 I concede... 'Can't resist you, your beauty, your magnificence. 
your charms, I can't resist.'

 And Nature smiles back.
 'Watch your words, dude,
 for the energies have changed
 and the world has leapt ahead.
 You still hung on to old words?
and the same tired attitudes...?'


'What else to say, with what words', I protest,
'the feeling's the same,
unable to stop myself,
from falling in love with you'


She whispers: 'Choose.
Always make a choice.


'Say not, I can't resist
Say, I CHOOSE not to resist
and that makes all the difference.


'Make a choice always!'

And I go, 'Wow...!'

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Sakhi and Vishwa

(These two characters came to me recently..... I did not create them. In trying to imagine what they would do and where they would go, this little piece of story emerged.)


 The river Bhagirathi flowed silently, as if unwilling to disturb the sacred, sombre atmosphere of the ashram. Morning was dawning, the mists lifting over the landscape, revealing a cluster of huts in the middle of a jungle clearing. There was an unusually hectic activity that day-- some running around engaged in various errands while some sitting in silence, trying to stifle a sorrow, a volley of tears, with a heavy heart.
Sage Kanva was gravely ill, after months and months of sickness and suffering!

Sakhi walked up the small hillock behind the ashram which overlooked the valley. Away from the crowds of the ashram, away from the heavy melancholic atmosphere. She wanted to get away from everything, sit somewhere quietly and weep. Burst her heart open in Nature’s lap and wail her sorrows away. Unable to do it in the ashram, where she was supposed to be the strong one! Yet incapable of bearing the heaviness that was building up within. She quickly strode to the top of the hillock and walked towards the lonely tree at the edge of the cliff. There she saw him!  He was sitting motionless on a stone slab under the tree, eyes open and transfixed at the rising Sun far away in the horizons!
‘Vishwa’, she called out gently. He turned, and quickly wiped away his tears. Their eyes met for a moment before he looked away.

Why are you weeping, you thug, you must be relieved now? She didn’t ask. But her expression betrayed her thoughts. Vishwa smiled and stood up, looking away at the distant clouds. Then he turned. “Sakhi…the monks from Tibet will be arriving any moment. And as per their custom, they’ll not spend two nights in the same place, so they’re departing tomorrow, at this hour….” He paused, drew in a long breath and said, “I’m going away with them.”
It seemed ages when she again opened her eyes, and saw Vishwa bending over her, gently caressing her locks. She was lying on the ground, her head on his lap. ‘What happened?’ she mumbled. “You collapsed,” he said, “when I mentioned about the Tibetan monks. Are you not well?”

The total force of the situation blew through her and she wept inconsolably. Tibetan monks! They arrive when the head of the ashram leaves the body! What does it mean? Maharshi Kanva….? And this fool wants to go away with them, leaving me alone? She buried her face in her palms and sobbed…grief tearing away her feeble heart. The grief of the impending departure of a father figure. And the very thought of separation from...
A distant gong struck, breaking the veil of sorrow that had descended on top of that small hillock. It was a signal that the monks had arrived. Although all arrangements had been done to receive and accommodate them, Vishwa had to be at the ashram, to oversee the activities for the rest of the day. They stood up and he wiped her moist eyes with a piece of cloth.

“Why do you want to go with them?” she implored, almost begging him not to, her voice choking. His face was grave, expressionless! He turned and began walking down in silence, Sakhi following him. A cool breeze blew from the valley below, as if trying to caress, comfort and soothe her. They reached the flower garden and were about to turn towards Kanva's ashram when she abruptly held his hand and stood facing him.
“Answer me,” her voice shook but she was determined.

He looked deep into her soft blue eyes, which were filling up rapidly. Holding back his tears he said, “Because…… that’s my destiny.” And gently shook her hands off and walked towards the waiting ashram.

(the story concludes in their union )