Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Out of the woods

( I almost shout---'I'm BACK'. The TV is on in the living room and i hear jennifer lopez drawl--'Who gives a shit!' so i hold back myself).

How could I forget this? When you are stuck up, stop struggling and let go for a while. Things tend to work out on their own. I used to pick up a pen and a piece of paper and scribble out everything that was welling up inside. Bring out what's hidden within and you see it clearly. In a strange way it worked for me. And it's working even now.

The summer heat is oppressive. It saps out all of your energies and you're left empty by the end of the day. Add to this a kind of stagnation and a bit of recurring headache....

I stand in the shower for 10 minutes. The coolness descends from the head to every cell, to every pore...

The power's gone. It's midnight. Archana can't sleep. Her body's changing day by day. At times she feels uneasy, sensitive, nauseated. A new life is growing inside her....as if a new flower is blossoming out....as if a new star is taking birth in the womb of creation....Woman.....Divine mother....Only she can create and give shape to life!

My blog is no longer anonymous. Friends have access to it. I wonder how personal i can get here. Most of what I write is personal stuff--No journalistic pyrotechnics or creative asides. How much of my life can be revealed here?

Archana hasn't told her close friend that she's pregnant. Her friend is from bhopal and one of the thousands affected by the gas leakage from the Union Carbide plant in 1984. Everytime she calls up, she says,' Please pray for me'. Two years back she had been pregnant and was on cloud nine. After 2 months she goes for a check up and the doctor says,'The foetus has no heartbeat'.

Listening to Archana's narration brings a lump in the throat.

Watched 'Syrianna'. Blogchaat has a good review here. One scene remains etched in memory. CIA agent George Clooney is standing before an Arab prince in the middle of a desert...he wants to reveal something, and doesn't know that his bosses are watching him via a satellite. A button is pressed, a missile is released 3 miles away...the Arab prince recognises clooney...a moment later, both are blown up into cinders.

Going through Zen masters by Osho. 'Power of Now' is yet to be finished. So is 'The Magus of Strovolos'.

Purity!! Where do you search for it? Look into the eyes of a baby.

Another day. It's nearing midnight. Soft music weaves around--Sounds of nature, waterfalls, chirping birds. 'Moksha' is a channel on Worldspace where you can listen to spiritual and healing music 24 hours a day. Out of the 40 odd channels we have access to, this is our favorite. As i type this, the humming notes of the piano....soft petals dropping on dew drenched grass...

Fearlessness! What's that? How do you feel when you are fearless? Thinking. Feeling it.


  1. Your posts unfailingly have really good pictures that accompany them - and the pictures are somehow always relevant. Sometimes the connection isn't obvious, but it's there, to be felt. In the time I've spent on the blogosphere, I've seen a lot of blogs - the good ones, not-so-good ones, the wisecracking ones, pompous ones... But your blog is among the few that carries with it a sense of calm and peace :)

    (Sorry for the extended absence - I haven't even been blogging for a long time.)

  2. Always interesting to read your writing, Vishwa. A good mix of personal and philosphical stuff, all interweaved - as it should be. And I agree with the first comment about the pictures you use.

    Strange to think of you and the oppressive summer heat, while I am looking forward to my part of the world warming up, and watching fresh new green shoots, and blossoms opening.

    Treasure these times with Archana, its a special time.

  3. Thats a really beautiful picture i must say..

  4. I truly enjoy reading your posts.They are like a treat to my restless mind.I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again.You have a beautiful knack of expressing very personal thoughts in the most universally appealing way.
    As far as anonymity is concerned,I have faced that problem as well.I'll urge you to ask yourself, what is it really that you don't want people who actually know you to read about you?Think about it.It might help.

  5. Wit.... Maybe many bloggers are off on a summer break. I too wasn't blogging for quite sometime, but soon I began feeling uneasy and guilty(?), so i scribbled a few paragraphs and posted them.
    Read somewhere that 'You can think that you have a passion for writing only when Not writing becomes unbearable than writing'. Felt happy for my writerly self for the first time :-)
    How are things with you ? I truly miss your other blog( you know which one). In your place, i'd have continued to update it, put on that persona every now and then, thought about different characters and situations and given life to them, let myself freewheel and go berseck, and one day, gather everything and weave a fantastic novel out of the material.

    Val....we had a wonderful shower today; the skies took pity on us and opened up. Now a cool breeze blows in, carrying with it the smell of the earth and newly blossomed jasmine.
    Thanks for your wishes. Yeah, i'm enjoying this rare occasion with Archana.

    Raghu....I love these pictures more than what's written around them. I accidentally began this method of joining pictures with words, and once recently, i posted only pictures. These pictures are frozen poetry---hats off to the people who clicked them.

  6. Edu.... That's a good suggestion. Will try it.

    When i maintained a personal journal, i'd write whatever crossed my mind without worrying about who'd read them. It gave me a sense of release and empowerment--and strangely, the stuff that came out was authentic, powerful and thoroughly enjoyable. When i began blogging, i had a similar intention. Accidentally, i revealed the address to my friends and now, i can't let myself go berseck and carefree. It's not that i'll write something nasty and rubbish, but if i know that my friends read this, i'll hold back myself. This, i don't like.

    I'd love to say that I don't care for others' opinion, but that's not true. A pat on the back makes me feel really good about myself at times of self-doubt and confusion. A heart-felt thanks!:-)

  7. Vishwa, that was a beautiful post. Thank you.

  8. "Fearlessness! What's that? How do you feel when you are fearless? Thinking. Feeling it."

    Hmmm...Fearlessness to me, is when I throw caution to the wind, sense and reasoning are in and out of consciousness, and you look at life straight into its proverbial eyes only to see yourself in its reflection.


    It's nice when its felt, but I don't feel this as often as I use to.