Couldn't resist this...

I wake up at 4.45, and collapse, hoping to stretch and wait until the alarm rings at 5. And drift and drift until I end up here...

She's there, in that classroom, with all of us. The same hesitation, uneasiness and blushing when she's around, and once everyone leaves, she walks up to me and sits by my side. And slowly, very slowly, we get into a conversation and she says that she always wanted to speak to me, wanted me to speak to her but...

And opens an old notebook in which she'd scribbled something ages ago and it reads 'I love him and will love only him, forever...'

And mumbles, 'I said that I'll wait for you and my parents warned me that one day I would come, but would have setup house elsewhere by that time so there's no point in waiting. But I held on and here you are!' She looks happy and pleased.

'I have something shocking to say,' I tell her, with a pounding heart. My wife and son are in my mind and I try my best to find words, words that don't hurt but will gently make one aware. 'You don't know how to speak,' I was told recently and I'd agreed. Words are just gutted out and not placed in tact. I'm a terrible conversationist.

'Don't,' she stops me with a smile. And suddenly her expression changes, as if she senses what I'm about to blurt out. The smile is still there but I know that everything has changed inside, that something valuable has collapsed within her.

This is the first time I've seen her in my dreams and I feel this isn't just a dream. Maybe this is not like some of those vivid dreams which are astral experiences. But this confirms something, settles something, reconciles something that was in waiting. Something unfinished seems to have found its logical end. Like keeping down a burden that had been on ones heart from ages.

Maybe not. It could be a suppressed desire rearing its head in dream form. Too many movies watched and a done-to-death plot finding expression with real people!!

Or maybe my hunch is right. It could be a message from across a multitude of individual consciousness. Tying up two loose ends at a different level and letting it be known here.

Hibernating...

... Like a polar bear which snuggles inside the earth to escape the winter.

Or maybe, more like going into a cocoon hoping to come out transformed.

Or just to see if I can let go...let go of this space, which has been so much a part of my life for the past 4 years.

Sorting things out. Planning new things. Working. Waiting.

Bye for now.

On a Tea-walk

You call this a Tea-walk because you take a walk with a cup of tea in hand and, in between conversations, or reflections(if you're walking alone), you sip from the cup. And continue to walk or talk or reflect.

We started this nearly 4 years ago, in my initial days in this company. A colleague, who was also a friend beyond the office cublice would accompany me and we'd stroll atleast twice in a day(sometimes thrice). A 200 meter road stretches beside a park near my office, lined by tall trees with thick foliage on one side and posh houses on the other. To walk this silent stretch on a hot day was a really pleasant experience, amidst all the stress and boredom of the routine work. We'd order two half-cups of tea in a bakery at one end of the road, and begin to amble under the shade, sipping slowly from the cups, talking leisurely. A milk booth stood at the other end of the road, and by the time we reached that spot, the cups would be empty. Then we'd order spiced butter-milk packets and, sipping the throat churning drink, return to the cubicle. And wait for another walk in the late afternoon hours. Just refreshing.

What was really interesting about his 1/2 hour spell was the conversation. Anything under the sun would come up for discussion. Of course there was gossip, bitching, small talk, sometimes silences. And good exchanges about topics close to our hearts--meditations, spirituality, Work at Manasa, escape from the cubicle life, movies, music, books....everything punctuated by hot sips from the cup.

The colourful sights and mild sounds of the surroundings would add to the magic of this ambience. Birds would chirp in the branches high above. Sometimes a mild drizzle would break out and the earth would yeild its thirst quenching odours. Evening rays breaking through the wet leaves. Children would play on the see-saw or run around in the park. Brisk walkers and exercising elders would walk past in the evenings. A few autorickshaws would be parked by the roadside and the drivers would be fast asleep inside-- probably after working at night and having nowhere to go in a new city, sleeping the whole day in their vehicles. Young couples would shed their hesitation and melt in one another's arms on the park benches, unmindful of the elderly lady walking past. 'Then, you know, you always get your best ideas in the shower....' 'Mmm.... Must be something. But I take all major decisions of the day in the loo...'

Of course, the season changes. But the 200 mt stretch stays. So do all those tall trees. Also the boredom, frustration and bewilderment at work. I come back to the same bakery and pick up half a cup. And amble the lonely road, reflecting, also calming my thoughts. The quietitude of this place belongs to another world. Stop worrying. Don't think about life rushing past before you can blink. Don't think about the dying dreams. Listen to the rustle of the young leaves. Listen. Stay Awake.

Thirty thoughts...

The deal is a simple one. Sit back and jot down thirty thougths in thirty minutes. Blog it. I saw it here and here and I thought, I'd give a try too. I could make only 26 entries in 30 minutes, but went ahead to complete the list, in another 5 minutes. So here they go.

1.Air everywhere, outside-natural, here-from the fan. The hot air outside and the leaves smile. Not here.

2. It's okay to be blank. Not have answers. Being silent. Empty.

3. What if there was no memory? How would life be different then? Do animals/plants have memory?

4. Can we live without depending on the crutches of technology? How will life change if everything comes apart, as is being predicted? A simple life, like the one I know from my childhood days in my native village. Is it possible for everyone?

5. Friendship is like oxygen--you hardly notice it but know the value only when it's absent.

6. Yeah, it's not the people in your life but how you relate to people, that determines your happiness.

7. A couple of birds chirp in the hot afternoon breeze. Hot, afternoon breeze is supposed to be melancholic for me, but why do I expect the same for those birds?

8. Maybe we're all escapists, hoping for everything to crash down because it's all so overwhelming, and want things to remain simple. Maybe I've that attitude and that makes me think that all are similar.

9. At some point, you feel, you made a big mistake in choosing to walk down the road. No matter which road you choose! Isn't it?

10. Read about the phony culture of Dubai, where lakhs slave away in pathetic conditions to keep up the glitter and glamour! Isn't it the case everywhere? Darkness underneath the glittering peak.

11. When I get angry, where does the energy arise from? From which dark corner of my heart? How does it blind me, make me so venemous, so stupid?

12. What if time stops? What if we started living in the Now, this moment onwards? And threw away all watches, clocks....? Will that solve everything?

13. I dreamt that I was the second husband and was feeling friendly, accomodating and sorry for the first one. Such expansion in the dreamland but not here, in reality. Jealousy, hatred, possesiveness rule here and if you don't get angry, you're a loser. Being full of shit is normal here. Cool.

14. There's such joy and fun in watching my son shout in anger--his anger is so full of grace, innocence and pure power.

15. Details are always overwhelming but you can't wish them away. As long as you're alive, you've to deal with them.

16. I wanted to cut three coconut branches. Dad says, 'I look after the tree like my child , how can you cut those branches?' I reason, argue, go ahead and cut it, all along knowing very well that he's right.

17. Why do I want to change this world into something better, something peaceful, something devoid of violence? Is it right? Who gives me the right to do so? Am I different from the advancing talibani hoardes who want to change the world into their version of heaven? Who gives them the right?

18. Death is so close to me and I don't want to turn around and say hello. It's the closest but I shudder to even think of it.

19. Then this flashed many times. You continue to exist, because your awareness isn't lost after death. Maybe you'll be more expanded until you incarnate again but no, even death cannot kill your awareness.

20. Three days of darkness and light, when our earth stops and reverses its rotation. Will that happen? Are we in the middle of an intense upheaval that's going to change things in unimaginable ways?

21. Relations are myths. I haven't met many of my relatives in ages and hardly think of them. Their non-presence makes no difference to my life. Out of sight--out of mind.

22. A bird had drowned in a small pool and died. Elder sister and I dug a small grave and buried it. I stroked its belly before putting it away. That touch I still remember after so many years.

23. Millions of stars and heavenly bodies up there. Such arrogance in saying that life exists only on this small speck called earth in all of the Universe. Life, as we define it.

24. Parellel universes, parellel lives, expanded consciousness, telepathy-teleporting--what if we evolve in this direction, from the next step onwards?

25. A cricket match on tv. Brings back memories of that cricket match that I watched, long back, at the darkest hour. The batsman is the same. As if he's a friend who was with me then and is with me even now.

26. Thirsty earth. Like all creation, I too am thirsty. For something that ends this thirst forever.

27. Living on this globe, there's a roundedness to life. You end where you begin, you come back to the same place, the same people, the same situation but with more awareness, more understanding. There's no straight path, only a circle.

28. I have similar questions about lust, as I have about Anger. And of course, about love, about laughter, about tears and sadness.

29. What If we could sit back, at a small height, and look at life in one big expanse, from birth to death and maybe beyond? Why are we so close, so involved that it blinds us to larger realities?

30. What you think is actually real. All your thoughts, emotions and drama exist, at a different level. It was amusing when He told me this, long ago, but now I shudder at that possiblity.

Give it a try and see if it loosens something inside you, brings out something unexpected, something alarming and funny. If nothing, it's a good way to break out of a false belief(at times) that you have nothing significant to say.

Blues....

Blogging blues strike again but in good company this time. I'm tired and depressed for no apparent reason--on all fronts. I'd love to say it's because of the hot weather, or maybe because of the general sense of gloom and hardships the world over, and I'm receiving a part of that mass karma. Or maybe, I'm feeling down and out for a silly reason, and am attracting similar vibes and feeling more depressed, attract stonger blues and on and on in a downward spiral. Or maybe I'm plain stupid. Whatever the reason, I feel stuck in each and every field. My meditation practices have stagnated and I feel, I have no energy to pull myself into a state of silence. Job sucks. My boss is an awesome asshole but I remember this advice and feel depressed--his assholeness isn't my problem, I only need to get the hell outta here, find something better, something that doesn't kill my soul. I began a few ventures and they fizzled out pretty soon. One blunder happened but the worse part was my inaction, my non-acknowledgment of it, my lack of seriousness. I go on to say something, blurt out something dumb and soon there are sullen faces around.

I know it's temporary and this too shall pass. And it isn't a good practice to spread gloom in a world which is already fucked up and is in desperate need of something fresh, something cheerful, something inspiring. And there's no point in massaging that self-pity gland in your brains and enjoy a bout of sado-masochistic pleasure.

But if blogging is something about jotting down your day-to-day experiences, observations, insights and stupidity and sharing it with others--not just giving a hunky-dory picture of reality, then this is my reality for today. Let it go into the records.

Pure blogging

Of course, the sky is flooded with thick clouds, threatening to open up any moment. This is a strange summer--it started earlier than expected this year, and we've already had two spells of short rains amidst thirsty dry days. Now with a cool breeze, there's the scent of a soothing downpour in the air.

It's difficult to remain hidden online and I'm realizing this slowly. Nearly four years later, my people discover that I have a blog. Younger sister stumbled upon my blog accidentally, read a few posts and announced to my parents, and of course praised. She was moved to tears by this post, probably because she was a part of that memory and now my parents seem interested. Now I have to watch out what I post, and ponder once before scribbling anything. Amazing how I kept aside this possiblity when I would post carefree, not bothering what anyone who knows me would think about what I write here.

Upheavals are occuring at an alarming pace.One moment I'm totally gung-ho, hopeful and optimistic about various things happening in my life. In no time, a wave of dejection and hopelessness clouds my awareness. I just resign to what's happening and carry on the motions. Life appears meaningless until cheer arrives unexpectedly.

New possiblities are opening up at work. I'm now a product leader, responsible for the quality assurance of one entire product, with guys working under me--and it's pure pain. Partly because I'm desperately looking to fly away from the monotony here and wouldn't like to be burdened with anything for now. And this is responsibility without rewards, a sort of thankless job. If things go wrong( as usual, they will), you're accountable, but if everything's smooth, so what? This is both a learning opportunity and a stressful occasion, so I don't know whether to celebrate or sulk.

Watched Rang de basanti, once again. Remembered what I'd written here, long back, when I first watched the movie. And you have the spectacle of the general elections, shameless politicians not even masking their lust for power, urban saviours who think that our country will be saved with everyone casting their precious vote and to top it all, the likes of Varun gandhi and a clueless media following every move of this baffoon.

This isn't depressing anymore. Because this is the last dance for all these scoundrels.

Suddenly I remember that I am a writer. A writer of short stories, as I used to answer that funny question, 'What do you do?', just a few years back. And how could I forget this? So, with this rememberance, there's a flurry of writing activities awakened. Told archana not to look into one particular notebook, because it's personal and contains something related to my creative endeavours ('Huh!' was the reply). Digging into my old diaries and writing manuals. Pursuing writing exercises. Stream of consciousness scribbles. Day dreams of published short stories and novels. Madness. With a method.

My son is in that magical phase where he finds everything, literally everything around him lively and filled with wonder. He looks up at the moon and says a word or two. Says hello to the sunlight. Falls down, gets hurt and stamps the road with anger. Saibaba isn't a long dead saint but a loving friend, who gets to share his secrets and triumphs. He holds up a glass of his favourite fruit juice to Lord Ganesha and other Gods in the photos. The toy car should listen to him when he tells it to move back. And maybe it isn't just ignorance or playfulness; maybe every child connects to the life force throbbing in every particle in creation. Only a child can see that nothing is lifeless. Expandedness is natural in innocence.

Soon he will grow up and lose this capability. We will train him to look at life through small apertures and crush everything else that doesn't fit in with that limited vision. Imagination recedes, magic fades and he will become yet another human being--efficient, wordly, mature but devoid of wonder and mystery. Of course until he wakes up once again to the mystical...

We step into Ugadhi, the Hindu Newyear day. Ugadhi means the beginning of a new Yuga--a new phase in time. You open the doors and windows and let in fresh air, allow sunshine to enter your life. Cleanse your soul of old cobwebs and dirt, awaken to new possibilities, set forth in new directions, embark on new voyages...And know in your guts that the universe is with you, all the time, like a mother.

As I begin a few voyages on this auspicious day, I wish everyone on our beautiful earth a new awakening. Let this new year bring you wonderful gifts, make you stronger against the trials of life and awaken you to your own hidden divinity.

Crossroads...

The final scene of the movie, Cast away is difficult to forget. Tom hanks plays the courier man who's marooned on an uninhabited island after his plane crashes into the pacific ocean. He lives in that piece of land for nearly 4 years, without human contact--the memory of his wife is the only thing that keeps him alive, gives him the will to finally brave the brutal waves and find his way back. By the time he returns to civilization, life has moved on. His wife, thinking him to be dead, has remarried. He resumes his job, delivers a packet to a house which is in the middle of nowhere, and on his way back, hits a crossroad. The long roads stretch on all sides and he stands there, looking here and there, pondering... and that geographical place becomes a stunning metaphor for his life at that moment. Where do you go from here? Where have you come from? Why are you here? What's your destiny?

A moment of tremendous pathos. And also a moment of sudden illumination.

Why does illumination arrive only after loss, sadness, emptiness? Why not in the midst of joy, abundance, peace? Why should our journey always be pathos-enlightenment-bliss and not bliss-enlightenment-bliss?

Why this fixation with the positives? What is it in us that makes us scared of losing, of emptiness, of sorrow? If there is something that exists beyond these positives and not so positives, what is that?