Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Drizzly blues....

Mmmm..... i feel as if a heavy rock is resting on me and i'm unable to break free. This was my state of mind a few years ago but of late, i thought i had come out of it. It has returned, maybe with the approaching winter. Cynicism it ain't--just an observation.

Time is on a tremendous hurry. Sometimes i feel so constricted and suffocated because of lack of time that i wonder if i did a right thing in coming to this IT field. Innumerable things wait for attention but i have to postpone them due to lack of time. This industry pays high but also demands more of your time in return. Days just whizz past and at the end of two weeks or so, i wonder what i've done with my life in these two weeks. Nothing much has been accomplished. The status quo has remained. My plans are still on paper and i've thrown a chunk of my life down the gutter in exchange for some money in my account, and some shaky support to rest for a while. Is it worthy?

My meditations are patchy. I want to devote more hours to spiritual practices but somehow, my inertia drags me down. I know how beneficial meditations are, how a devoted practice can lift me up and elevate me beyond all my troubles, but why on earth can't i meditate? This really frustrates me.

My shelf is full of books but i find no time to even browse through them. May be i'm in a hurry to finish reading them all and am impatient, but some books are there from ages.

I'm yet to come to grips with the work i do in the office. If someone catches me and demands a clear explanation about my work, i'll be left searching for words. This is a huge field, and i've just entered. I feel helpless if i don't totally understand the work i'm involved in. Sometimes the job overwhelms me with its enormity but somehow things are going on. I want to take up studies and finish a certification exam in Networking but.... same excuse--time constraints.

I want to write but all i can manage at the moment is the entries i post here--and i'm not regular here also.

Maybe I'll laught at myself for writing all these, after some days( or weeks ) but for the moment, this is my reality.


  1. yup it is quite time consuming when it is time to leave office u are ready to jit the sack.....in such a situation we have to make time for things we truly enjoy...

  2. I can empathise with you completely. Did you know that you can meditate even without having to spend time specifically for it?. I do this all the while quite successfully. Pick up one single thought and try staying with it all thro' the day. for ex. "God loves me", stay with that simple thought the entire day,note the change . And for finishing up on reading books, try catching up on them inbetween other activites, it does'nt matter if you get just 5-10 mins each time, a paragraph each time will do wonders. And, multitask...choose multiple books to read at the same time..that way you can pick one which suits your mood at the moment. Hope it helps. My 2 cents...and thanks for taking time off for my unsolicited advice:)

  3. Ash and chez,
    Thanks for the comments and suggestions.

  4. u right chez....i do the multiple reading what u just said. one book for each time of the day as in morning, office, evening and bed time. it has worked perfectly well for me. an advice from my prof