Festival of lights.

Diwali is here again. Lights everywhere. Rains too-- it doesn't dampen the spirit of celebration.

Making an all out effort for something big. Never done this, only dreamt all along.

Things have changed in my life. Never took stock of this. Dad is more free with me nowadays. We speak easily to one another, crack jokes---this wasn't possible last year when i was pursuing my dream(?) of becoming a writer, and also when i was more reclusive and introspective. I seldom thought how parents would be feeling. Dad had retired from service, and mom was about to finish her tenure in the health department. They must've been worried for my future.

I was sad about the lack of anything in my life at that moment and this certainly troubled them more. My spiritual practices gave me hope in that hour but dad didn't approve of this. For him, spirituality was escapism from an active life and couldn't be practiced by one who was in the thick of life. Some of his relatives had abandoned their families and run away in search of God, and Dad thought i would do the same one day.

Now i see a kind of relief in him and Mom. I have a steady job, i'm getting married, and my spiritual family is my biggest support--something dad has realised now. My master never turned away from life, and what we learn from him only makes us better humans, not escapists. There's more fun and laughter at home nowadays. I'm no more reclusive. It's as if there was some block between all of us, and it has just melted away. And my pursuit and passion for writing is even more intense now.

Feeling light and warm within although Bangalore is freezing and dripping wet.

A happy deepavali to all bloggers( In particular Jen, Ash, chez, Bookworm, Jen from states, b&p and Natalia) and everyone on Planet earth.

Let all darkness melt away in the light of Diwali's lamp.

Rains...beautiful rains.

When they're scarce we wail. When they pound we panick. We want rains to come only as much as we need, only where it's required, only during times when we are safe at home. We are humans.

Wonder what the raingods must be thinking!

Dawn!

It's 7:15. Cold atmosphere. A slight back ache. Rajesh's walking briskly on the terrace, you can see him everytime he passes by your window. Time to rush to the bathroom, to the office, to life. Look outside. There's a white envelope on the world. Mist! The air's thick with the early morning mist. Somehow you feel light inside. You smile.

In the dead of the night

This room is a bit cooler compared to the rest of the house, because it's on the second floor; also because it's that twilight zone between rains and winter. You feel acute chills at dawn; you can't get up for your early morning meditations 'cause your body wants to curl up in the blanket for another five minutes.

It's dark everywhere. You hear dogs singing, far away. Some drunkards are wobbling their way home in the wet street below. An aeroplane cuts through the thick clouds, it's grunt somewhat muffled by the cottony vapours of the sky. The last bus speeds off towards the outskirts of the city-- it's still overcrowded. This city is no longer a garden city; it's bursting with people.

You lie on the bed and stare at the stained walls for a good 10 seconds, not knowing what else to bring forth. You are desparate to write something--whatever it is--aren't you?

A face comes to mind. It's a 25 year old kid. He's in jail for murdering a 'reformed' gangster. He's the next godfather, the media says. A few cops agree. The word is that he's ruthless. He's handsome and looks like a baby. You wonder at his motivation, his thoughts, his worldview.

Archana had talked about the amount her parents are spending for the wedding. You try not to think of it but it pops up again and again. Although it's a simple marriage, the amount is huge. You ponder over it. She says they're doing it out of love. But still it's so enormous-- and heavy also-- a voice from within says. Money bogs you down although it's their money.

You pick up a concept from the book thats resting on your chest. "Your self worth is not connected to your behaviour". Mmmm...! It's a new idea. It makes you feel warm and you begin to mull over it. Slowly everything begins to fade. You are drifting into a slumber.

Ha ha haa... that's me!

No! This ain't me.....

Sorry to interrupt...It's your wife on line one...Something about a mistaken number on your winning lottery ticket..!

This is where I live....!

Ancestral house..!

The Golden rules of writing

Khushwanth singh was the editor of 'The Illustrated weekly of India' for some 10 years or so and the magazine was quite popular during his tenure although its dead and buried now. When someone asked the reason for his success, he said that he followed a three pronged approach with his readers--- inform, amuse and provoke.

I think he follows the same principle with all his writings; any writer worth his salt would consciously or unconsciously follow the same rules. Inform-- Amuse-- and Provoke? Mmmm, quite interesting!

Going crazy for a change...

Took a day off yesterday. Did something crazy day before. My vehicle ran out of petrol on the way and i had to push it nearly a mile to a petrol bunk. And after filling up the fuel, the vehicle refused to start. It was late evening and the drizzle had turned into a steady downpour. Most of the mechanic shops in the surrounding areas were shutting down because it's the month of ramzan. I got hold of a mechanic but he couldn't get the vehicle started. And there i was, stranded five miles from home with a heavy scooter, enjoying the cold shower from the skies. What would any sane person do in such a situation? Park the vehicle somewhere and take an auto home.

Here comes the zany stuff. I pushed my vehicle for nearly five miles in the rain and reached home at 10 in the night! Got up the next day with a terrible headache and exhaustion. Called up office and applied for a leave. And slept the whole day like a log of wood. Now i'm back to work fresh like a dew drenched flower.

Ahem... life looks good now.

Drizzly blues....

Mmmm..... i feel as if a heavy rock is resting on me and i'm unable to break free. This was my state of mind a few years ago but of late, i thought i had come out of it. It has returned, maybe with the approaching winter. Cynicism it ain't--just an observation.

Time is on a tremendous hurry. Sometimes i feel so constricted and suffocated because of lack of time that i wonder if i did a right thing in coming to this IT field. Innumerable things wait for attention but i have to postpone them due to lack of time. This industry pays high but also demands more of your time in return. Days just whizz past and at the end of two weeks or so, i wonder what i've done with my life in these two weeks. Nothing much has been accomplished. The status quo has remained. My plans are still on paper and i've thrown a chunk of my life down the gutter in exchange for some money in my account, and some shaky support to rest for a while. Is it worthy?

My meditations are patchy. I want to devote more hours to spiritual practices but somehow, my inertia drags me down. I know how beneficial meditations are, how a devoted practice can lift me up and elevate me beyond all my troubles, but why on earth can't i meditate? This really frustrates me.

My shelf is full of books but i find no time to even browse through them. May be i'm in a hurry to finish reading them all and am impatient, but some books are there from ages.

I'm yet to come to grips with the work i do in the office. If someone catches me and demands a clear explanation about my work, i'll be left searching for words. This is a huge field, and i've just entered. I feel helpless if i don't totally understand the work i'm involved in. Sometimes the job overwhelms me with its enormity but somehow things are going on. I want to take up studies and finish a certification exam in Networking but.... same excuse--time constraints.

I want to write but all i can manage at the moment is the entries i post here--and i'm not regular here also.

Maybe I'll laught at myself for writing all these, after some days( or weeks ) but for the moment, this is my reality.

In the face of disasters.....

Mother nature has yawned once more and 30,000 people are under the rubble in a matter of minutes. You can train terrorists in camps, poison their minds through your perverted doctrines, arm them with the most sophisticated weapons and send them across the borders to bleed your neighbouring country. But when such a force strikes you, what on earth can you do? What chance do you have against the fury of nature?

The same can be said about that idiot Bush. He can attack any country in the name of whatever bullshit, bully every other nation in the world, either through military might or threats of economic sanctions, but when the might of nature thunders on the shores, what can he do except show his shameless face on tv, appearing apologetic and helpless?

Innocents die along with scoundrels when disaster strikes. But that's life, i think. I remember a master who said, 'The whole of humanity is one and interconnected. When someone does a good ( an invention, for example), the whole mankind benefits, and whenever there are atrocities, everyone has to bear the brunt.'

Life is complex; and until we become capable of grasping its meaning we have no other option but to pray.

Who on earth is this Murphy, anyway?

May be He's just an idea, but the thoughts associated with him are simply superb.
Sample this:

Don't tell anyone about your troubles. Half of them don't care, and the other half are glad it happened to you.

Or this:

Being popular is like being in a crowded elevator: you are just a fart away from being hated.

You can spend your life pondering over something like this:

The statement below is true
The statement above is false

In the current situation, this is my favorite:

Any organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Ain't it true?

I wanna walk down there...

On an unknown road, what are you searching for?

What you thought as far off is just next to you.

Disjointed thoughts

Are we too close to our emotions? That's why we can't see them, know what they are! Fear. What's it? Love! Anger!

I'm scared of something. I Love something else. Certain things make me revolt. Why?

What is hatred? Where do these things come from? Are they just some chemical combinations in my brain?

A stranger

She comes to the canteen 10 minutes before lunch time, sits alone at a table and eats silently. And by the time the other employees start arriving, she finishes and leaves. She has dark expressive eyes. I've hardly seen her talk to anyone in the office. Among chatterboxes, show offs and pretentious extroverts, she stands out as a unique person.

I wonder at her motivation.

The Devil inside everyone...

Saw a damn good movie--- the devil's advocate. Some movies linger on in your mind --they haunt you, you'll mull over it long after the movie is over. This is one such movie.

Keanu reeves is a successful lawyer in florida who hasn't yet lost a case. He gets an offer from a reputed law firm in Newyork and he moves over there. The head of the firm( Al pacino, as fantastic as ever ) becomes a kind of mentor to him but he's also a sinister and mysterious guy. He plays the behind the scenes role as keanu takes up cases in which the clients are damn guilty, and gets them freed. The big money, luxurious life style, the idea of escaping from a humble past in a small town--- these are his motivations. Though his conscience bites him at times, he brushes it aside and plunges deep into his work. And he doesn't notice that he's moving away from his beloved wife. He's also attracted towards a seductive colleague and as he moves up the ladder of success, his downfall begins. The wife starts hallucinating and before long, becomes a wreck but he's too busy to take care of her. And one day she kills herself.

Someone warns him of the firms reputation and other shady business interests but all those who grow suspicious get killed. And then comes the revealation. His mother who's visiting him, recognises Al pacino as his dad.

The reality however is more deeper. When keanu confronts Al pacino, he gets the shock of his life. Pacino is none other than Satan and the law firm is his device to protect evil and crush all that's good and noble.

The story does a somersault and shifts back in time when keanu is in the toilet of a florida court room, looking into a mirror and wondering if his client is actually guilty of molesting his student or not. Nothing has happened yet-- he hasn't gone to Newyork, his wife is still sitting in the courtroom, and he's yet to begin his arguement. He's still the small town lawyer, desiring money, success, status. But he decides to dump it. He withdraws from the case and walks out of the courtroom with his wife.

This is everyone's story. There's a keanu in everyone of us, hiding behind in the darkness of our heart. The desire for success, fame, adulation and money at any cost, the thrill of hitting it off big time-- these are latent possiblilities in every human being. To overcome these and stick to what we think is right, that seems to be the struggle here.

To succeed, earn money, fame and admiration--- these are goals and desires we all cannot deny. And we have a right to pursue these. But can we give up success if it is tainted? Can we chuck it all if we know that it's going to take us away from all our values? Can we resist the temptation?

In the last scene of the movie, as keanu leaves the courtroom, a journalist friend stops him and asks for an interview. He wants to put him on the headline in the next day's newspaper. Keanu ponders for a while, looks at his wife and says, 'Okay'.

The reporter transforms slowly into the devil, Al pacino who drawls with a wicked smile, 'Vanity-- my favorite weapon'!