Saturday, March 24, 2007

I'm here, can't you see?

There's a spate of burglaries in our neighbourhood. At least three families lost their solar panels on a single night. These panels cover the bulk of the cost of a solar water-heater--without them, the heater apparatus is just a drum with some pipes stuck into it. Eversince this happened, our nights have become a bit uneasy and tense. Our solar heater is mounted on top of my room in the second floor. A little noise on top, maybe the rustling of the coconut branches, or a stray cat meandering about and I'm all ears, planning my next move, wondering what to do if there are actually some guys on the terrace, with spanners and screwdrivers. Call the police! Ring up my brother-in-law who lives in the first floor. Or go out with the wooden club in hand, like a superman (and get clubbed!).

A Relaxed saturday. Feel like just lying on the bed, watch the ceiling endlessless and do Nothing.

It happened once when I was watching the Movie 'Recruit'. Al pacino is a recruiter for CIA and Collin farrell is a young rookie. In one scene, Al pacino tells farrel,'You have only one overdriving need--to win my approval'. Farrell explodes, denies it but we know that it's true. Watching that scene left me with a sense of unease-- maybe I was similar to farrel, waiting for approval from someone--some father figure or a person in authority. It wasn't a striking feeling but somewhat subdued, ringing somewhere in the background.

Then 'The New Earth' confirmed and revealed many of my own doubts about myself. Almost 3 chapters are devoted to the 'Ego' in this astonishing book--you can't wade through a paragraph without keeping the book aside and reflecting on what you've just read and relate it to yourself. Many of my seemingly innocent and routine activities now looked as though they were intended to win approval and acceptance from those around me. I could easily accept that most of the time I was (and still am) led by the Ego. However, before those lessons could sink in and become transformative, I'd moved ahead to other chapters, skimming only on the surface.

This article again reminds me of my hidden need for approval and how my activities and motivations are fuelled by this need. Maybe it's routine and normal too in our modern world. But as Tolle says, madness is so prevalent that it's accepted as normal. To create a new society, to bring in a New earth, you need to break out of this madness and among others, come out of this need.

How difficult is it to be free of the need to win approval and acceptance? Maybe it takes enormous courage(or fearlessness) to stick to your convictions and not be bothered about what others think about you! How wonderful would it be to be led by your inner light and not by the opinions of those around you! This rebellion isn't a false one--just to assert yourself and prove to yourself that you are a rebellious spirit(that's another game of the ego, maybe). You rebel not because you want to or you have to prove something to yourself or to others. Your rebellion is spontaneous, a way of living, stemming out of your deep convictions. That's the way you are-- a free spirit.

This freeness shines through occasionally when I act or think just for its own sake, without keeping any end in mind, without bothering about any opinions. It happens sometimes during my blogging hours, where I write just for the joy of writing. But these occasions are rare. Maybe I need to think deeply about my own motivations and beliefs before I can find the true rebellious spirit hidden within. Maybe I need to go deeper into silence to find this inner calm and begin living in its light.
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  1. "How difficult is it to be free of the need to win approval and acceptance?" For me, the biggest hurdle to spiritual growth! My biggest lesson! Its good to know I have fellow pupils, no matter what our background or where in the world we live.

    And I must pick up "New Earth" again, thanks for the reminder.

  2. HI VISHU,

    It is here i remember master's "talk through living", and indeed it is the difficult one.

    love u all