In the land of chaos...

I am standing in a familiar place--a place with a sense of mild terror and impending chaos. This place, I know well enough because it used to be a constant reality for years together, almost a decade ago. I would think that this place has no exit, every door leading out would somehow lead back in, and I was resigned to staying here forever.

Yes, I had a wise and benign old man's guidance back then. But that never mitigated the anxiety even one bit. What took me out of that place of hopeless suffocation still remains a mystery. Maybe I'm banking on that mystery to bail me out this time round as well.

Sometimes you think you're all too powerful and in total control of the events and happenings in your life. And at times you feel, you don't have the strength to even move an inch, turn a finger or lift an eyelid. You could be right, but you could also be totally wrong both the times. When you think everything's in perfect control, something starts sliding down somewhere and your house of cards collapses. And when you think nothing's working, things start moving on their own. Rationality is a mess. I saw it happening twice when I was searching for a job--and something more than a job through the job-search.

I struggled for nearly 2 years, trying to break through one interview after another but in vain. I was in close proximity of clinching the deal but nope, something would crash. Then when I least expected it, there was a call, I walk in, get asked the right questions for which I have the perfect, confident answers, and in 2  hours I'm out, with a lovely offer letter in hand! Deliciously magical.

Giving up the struggle against invisible forces, I wait for the magic to strike again. I know it's a fantasy, but when the mystery arrives, I want to catch its tail and follow it...and see where it came from and where it returns to.

like....moving through a portal

 Suddenly I realise that, at the moment, I'm moving from one phase to another. I could've missed this realisation.

 And you look deeper and know that there are phases all over your life. Something ends. Something begins. It could be career changes. A shift from one house to another, one city to another. Moving out of school, out of college. Changing jobs. Ending friendships. Forging bonds. Building and starting something new.

 It's easy to feel sad and nostalgic for what you're leaving behind but I think one can say goodbye with immense gratitude and happiness. Give thanks for all the nourishment, growth, love, joy and lessons that the phase gave you. And let go before you move on to the new. Without bitterness or heaviness. Without emotional entanglements.

A new lesson learnt. Move through, without melancholy, with great Joy.

Let the River be...

 'I'm sorry eeshu....I scolded you the other day'

  'It's ok, dad. Forget it.'

 'No....I shouldn't have gotten angry at you. I feel bad.'

 'Then dad...Let's do one thing...let's sit in a time-travel ship, go back to that day, and make corrections there. Ok?'

This small glimpse...

I'm zooming back home on my two-wheeler...and the evening sky overhead is full of ripe clouds, threatening to burst any moment. Four in the evening and it looks like seven...a few drops begin to putter down. I'm dead tired and exhausted, wanting to reach home and collapse...and not get drenched without my rain-coat nor wait out somewhere if it starts raining. I look up at the clouds and send a silent request... 'Pls hold on for ten mins if you can, I'll reach home, pls'. And revv up the accelerator.

The drizzle begins slowly but I zoom through and soon enough I reach home. The moment I get in and park my two-wheeler, the skies open up and the torrents of water come gushing down!!! A lovely blast of rains for the next hour...thick sheets of water from the skies to the Earth. And there's only one thought in me....that small desperate prayer sent up....and the dark heavy pregnant clouds sprinkling a few drops for a while...and then bursting once I reach home!!! Coincidence????? My heart screams....'No! damn it...you were heard! They waited out for you!' And for the rest of the evening, I'm smiling in gleeful excitement, pushing back all rationalizations.

The next day I'm ambling in the morning park. The Sun is yet to rise and the whole place is one lovely green paradise, fresh from last nights rains. I turn a pathway and walk towards a cluster of trees. One tree stands spreading out its wonderful shade across a wide area...and I just look up at the branches....and a lovely breeze blows and the whole tree sways, its leaves murmuring. As if its saying 'hello, good morning!'. I walk ahead and there's another tree...and as I near it, the breeze comes again, and that tree too sways its leaves. Now, I'm curious....and I turn a pathway and walk to another tall tree which is a silent spectator. No shaking, no breeze and I smile up at the lovely giant. And suddenly the leaves begin to murmur and start swaying as a breeze blows in!!!

 I can't describe the bursts of joy I've been experiencing since this small conversation happened with Mother Nature...my very first to and fro! It's as if a small window has opened on my wall and I'm looking out into an entirely new world...a fascinating enchanting world, nothing like what I've seen and known until now. All of a sudden I'm a kid on the beach who has been struggling with the sand castle for a long time...and in an instant, the castle stands out perfect and I gaze at it, all dirty and soiled, beaming with pride at this very small accomplishment.

Yes...i know, all of this could be a beautiful coincidence. And if it ain't a coincidence ...and there's an other worldly explanation, these two experiences are pretty simple--not Earth Shattering! Nothing compared to the gigantic experiences and awakenings of many other lovely Souls. Yet....

....the unabashed joy and glee that's still inside me since this happened....these are my pointers. To what...I don't know. It's just beautiful.

That suffocating air at Ballal

One summer evening I’m having dinner with a friend at a restaurant. We are done with the starters and are waiting for the main course. My friend is about to launch his website...a small but ambitious project, and we are discussing the details, in between gossiping about all and sundry. A lovely evening, nice food, great ambiance...the gods are smiling...and suddenly, three people walk in through the door and slowly walk towards us.

I wish I could capture that moment of terror accurately in words, but it’s impossible, however much I try. A lot of background story is needed to explain ‘that moment’ and also bring out all the emotions that ran their course there. And it’s such a funny and hilarious situation, yet, at that moment, we were almost shitting in our pants, imagining a whole lot of possibilities.

The people who walked in were not mafia dons or police officers. In fact, one of them, an elderly man in whites, was one of the gentlest people I’ve ever known. And the two others with him were elderly people in their fifties...husband and wife. Regular people, posing zero threat or danger to anyone! They sat at a table near us and ordered their evening snacks.

To paraphrase...let’s say...the elderly man is a team leader...and my friend was recently ‘sent out’ of the team, and I’m a bloke who is still very much in the team. Now here I am, enjoying an evening meal with that ‘outcast(?)’ friend...and my boss walks in and sits a few tables from us...and looks around casually, with a sweeping gaze. For all his gentleness, the boss commands such respect and awe in the team that one gesture from him can throw you out...or can make the other team members completely shun you!!! And you’re someone who has recently committed oneself, emotionally and otherwise, to a dedicated stint in that team.

To say that the air suffocated that evening is an understatement. I don’t remember what we ate for the main course that day.

We waited for a while, expecting them to finish their food and leave so that we didn’t have to encounter them on our way out...but they looked totally relaxed...kinda settled down in their chairs for the rest of the evening. After some deliberations, we got up and walked casually towards the door...and, out of obligating, greeted the trio at their tables. Everyone smiled and greeted one another, spoke gentle words....full of fake social gestures while carrying exactly opposite thoughts and emotions within. The lady....she was authentic...perhaps truly spiritual. She turned her face away grumpily without acknowledging our presence and we walked out, feeling like we had just walked out of a lion’s den, alive!

Two weeks later I tell this to archana...and she’s horrified. ‘Why the eff did you go to that restaurant...out of all the thousand eateries in Bangalore, when you know that He loves that place. Now...apply oil on your body and wait. You will be called and skinned alive in a meeting’

That skinning alive never happened, although a very milder version was attempted some months back, for a related reason. And the terror, absurdity and hilariousness of that evening ...they still remain fresh--- and will probably stay etched in memory along with all the beautiful moments that were spent with Him. 

A year gone by...a year to commence

There’s a small church next to my house which witnesses simple gatherings every now and then. Christmas and good Fridays get crowded when quite a number of believers gather and create a fair bit of ruckus. Some weeks ago on the night of Christmas eve there were a few volunteers working together, making fun and gently pulling legs, cleaning the place, decorating and preparing the place for the next day. Their laughter and joy, the camaraderie....it brought back gentle memories of a bygone era, of friends, of moments which had a unique flavour!

2013 has been particularly cold...and unusually warm too...metaphorically. A good deal of chilled aloofness came my way; and as if to compensate it, there was a rush of love and affection. Old friends reunited through facebook and some existing friends stepped away. I took a couple of leaps, was cracked open at times, surprised myself....and before I start romanticising about it all, I realise that these things keep happening, year after year, with almost anyone. But hell, wasn't this year a terrific roller-coaster ride with some paradigm shifting perceptions! And I’m noticing the changes so keenly, only now!

I hardly blogged in 2013. Kinda more active on facebook where the response is immediate and the conversations are terrific (and terrible too!). On my blog, a few posts here and there were more like article imitations. By definition, a blog is a chronicle of your life-- your day to day life, your thoughts and ideas, the events that touch you, which you consider worth writing about. It’s your diary which you share with the world. So it's been a while since I blogged....or faithfully jotted down my perceptions and experiences, ‘as they were’, without decorating them with explanations.

I wanna change that in this year. Wanna flow out, uninhibitedly, through words. This year, I sense, will be magical in many ways. I want to look beyond the veils... encounter the present moment totally....touch the mystical. Maybe I’ve already touched it, but am bloody unaware of it here... ‘am a donkey’, as someone self-reflected. I want to connect to the miraculous and get ‘switched on’. Literally!

Straight from the Gut...

 The continuous lashing of rains...the hissing sound...I just love it. Closing my eyes, I listen to the various textures and rhythms of rainfall, as late monsoons drizzle over my city at night. Then I realize---the sound and music of rains was humming in the background all along, only I wasn’t paying attention. I was lost somewhere inside my head. Now I listen, and the rains come alive.

 Something may exist or may not, it doesn’t matter. Only when my attention rests on it does it become alive for me.

***

You and I are living in a post apocalyptic world. The apocalypse was supposed to happen on 21^st Dec, 2012. And 2013 onwards, either it would be a desolate Earth or an enlightened world that we would inhabit. We should have been living in Light bodies by now!

Nothing dramatic has happened! Or has it? The Planet chugs on its tracks in space, as usual. Early morning brings the milk vendor to my doorstep. Similar events, people and situations cross my awareness through the day. Tiredness envelops me as I embrace the night.

This wasn’t what we had signed up for! What enthusiasm, hopes and dreams we had about the spectacle of 2012, for nearly 3 odd years! And how passionately we believed in all that drama! What an utter flop of imagination!

I wanna believe in mystery and magic again. I want to encounter the miraculous. Not the mundane ordinary everyday world, but something transcendental! Something sublime! Don’t want this slow transformation....want a quantum leap...a total paradigm shift...a sudden makeover into an entirely new world!

***

‘You were on a runway for 3 years,’ I told Karthik. ‘Now you are taking off!’.

 Yes, Karthik’s small dream took off, with a workshop. Three years ago, he started Vishwa Amara and began putting some wonderful knowledge online, through articles and two ebooks. There were students receiving spiritual guidance too. It was low key, kinda gathering strength, maybe.

Now he has stepped out. Conducted a meditation workshop, thrown open to any spiritual enthusiast. There were three dozen attendees. Some fantastic and new techniques to practice. A small event on a lazy Sunday afternoon, in a relatively unknown corner of Bangalore.

No...not a small event !!! This is a take off point. It carries huge potential. Like a stream which will eventually become a raging river, Vishwa Amara is now at a phase where it can become the focal point of spiritual seekers, all over the world! They have the knowledge, techniques and Spiritual contacts. They have the credibility, built up and nurtured over years. They are absolutely dedicated to their work. And...they are fantastically capable of guiding people spiritually!

Years later...this small workshop will be remembered as the point where Vishwa Amara opened up. I’m mighty happy for these two friends of mine, for the opportunities that stretch before them. And yes.... a bit concerned of the pitfalls that come with great work, great responsibilities and recognition. The pitfall that ate up someone who walked this path earlier.

If they don’t pay attention...it will eat them too!

***

How do you feel when you are at the receiving end of intense love? Tremendous passion...something like a single minded madness, but totally pure, totally sublime. Do you think... ‘Wow, what a gift from the Universe?’ Or do you think, ‘Do I deserve this? Can I take it?’

I feel both. And I also feel.... is it possible to offer such an intense, pure, passionate Love...to another human being? And if it’s possible...what a pristine pure heart it must be, which offers such love!

***

I still can’t believe that he is no more! Some people trust totally that he’s still around, guiding them---but for me, he is dead and gone. Like anyone else. It’s difficult to digest the fact that someone like him can be vanquished and taken away by Death!

At one stage, we were in awe of him, in total worship mode. Then as we understood his work, the awe turned to respect and reverence. I wanted to be like him, develop his strength, develop his capabilities at handling difficult situations, become expansive the way he was, carry the love and compassion that he had....

Then...he disappointed! Mightily. Like a very interesting movie which falters post interval and ends up in a stupid climax! You come out of the hall, weary eyed, with a bitter taste in your mouth, undecided whether you enjoyed the first half or wasted your day. You love someone, and that person flops, makes a fool of himself, contradicts himself---and you squirm, wondering, ‘what...’. You feel betrayed for placing your love, trust and emotions in that person. Think sachin tendulkar who gets clean bowled at the death overs, after painstakingly building a great innings...!

 People have very fond memories of him—memories filled with love, reverence and gratitude. I too have such memories, but they get clouded by something else. I try to remember his smiling, laughing, loving face....and his angry, stern face comes up. I think of the solid base he built up, the fantastic structures he raised...and they stand before me as empty, hollow, lifeless edifices Now. The diamonds he had gathered around him, those who had great capabilities, dedication and pure love for his work---I try to remember them. But the only faces I remember are that of the sycophants and devotees...who never questioned, who considered a kick-on-your-ass as a divine test, who had a boss-is-always-right attitude.

Then it strikes.... it’s a ‘last impression’ syndrome, about which I wrote earlier.

His Soul is resting in peace, I’m sure. Maybe he’s smiling, from wherever he is, at this drama, at the way he continues to affect people in various ways long after his departure. The drama has ended for him, but we are still stuck in it. And enjoying it, a bit!!!

Helping Saint Nick...

 Nick is a blogger friend from Louiseville, US whom I know from my early blogging days of 2005. I've been reading his blog posts---regularly in the beginning and on-off recently. His 'too bad it's monday' jokes are a perennial favourite, which never fail to bring a smile even in my most strained moments. He blogs about his daily life, his rich memories, his views on current affairs, some family matters and not to forget, the adventures of his cat, Alex. When we had the Light channels world movement five years ago, I requested him to write a few words about it and he graciously wrote a post, attracting a stream of comments and responses. An endearing oldman, nonethless. Connected across continents through this medium of penning down our lives in words!

His recent posts had streaks of his failing health and family neglect... but even in the middle of the gloom and loneliness, he would unfailingly ignite a spark of life with a cheerful word or a positive twist. So when I went over to his blog yesterday, I was struck sad by his current situation. In his own words....'I am sitting at my desk, shaking. Earlier today I was cuddling with Alex—and crying. My life since early December has been a nightmare: continued illness (constant pain in my left leg), no caregiver (because Congress cut VA funding for the program), financial stress (I do not have enough money for more than 3 weeks food), and loneliness (I am rejected by my sons, not even allowed to visit my grandchildren) have more than taken their toll on my life. .'

 I donno in what way anyone of us here in India or anywhere else can be of service to Nick. His problems seem too numerous and enormous for any one individual to assist him with. The only thing that came to my mind was to send a donation to his account, and Just pray for him. Then, another thought...why not ask others also to do the same? Maybe my small contribution might not be of much help but a few more helping hands, and his burden might ease just a little bit.

 I wrote to him to confirm his paypal account details etc and he has put a widget on his blog, through which anyone can make a donation. Today, some of us contributed a bit(quite substantial for us, but maybe just a few hundred dollars in his currency). I request each one of you reading these words to checkout his blog, and if you feel inspired, consider making a Donation...any amount that you feel makes sense to you. Please!

You may use the Donate button on the top right corner of his blog page.(under the heading Gifts for Sometimes Saintly Nick)

 I've added a post on facebook, so please share it on your walls and request your friends. I've also pinged a few friends living in US to pool up some donations to help this bubbly old(?)man  spend his sunset years peacefully. Any help...even the smallest, would add up to give him the required medical care and assistance. Perhaps more than anything, the compassion and prayers of strangers would by itself boost his confidence and give him much Cheer and Joy. Thank you and God Bless!

*******

Update:  Heart felt thanks to some friends who have posted about Nick on Facebook and also have donated a bit.

 There was some expectation that many more friends would comment and also volunteer to donate! It takes some heart to feel empathy, to loosen our purse strings, but... as someone said.... Money should flow like air, like river through our lives. To receive generously from the Universe, we should also be generous in giving!!!

 Making a donation through paypal is slightly tricky, especially for a first time user. If you haven't used paypal before, and want to make a donation to Nick:
   1) Go to www.Paypal.com and create an account with your email id. Ensure that your name is the same as it appears in your bank account/Credit Card.
   2) Add your Bank Account Details or Credit Card details to your account (Login to Paypal and click on Profile)
   3) Wait for a day or two for Paypal to make a couple of transactions in your account.
   4) Then log into Paypal and Get Verified by entering the details of the above Paypal Transactions.

 All set! Now you can make transactions using Paypal. Go to Nick's blog, click on the Donate button, enter your paypal credentials, and you'll be able to make a Donation.

Into a new reality...

One morning I ventured out alone when my mother wasn’t looking.  We were living in a small hut at that time, just at the edge of the forest. The long winding path led me deep into the woods somewhere I hadn’t been before. Amidst soothing sounds of chirping birds, morning sunlight filtering down through the rustling leaves and a gentle breeze, what I remember most is that I wasn’t scared. For a seven year old kid, alone in the middle of a dense forest inhabited by wild animals, this comes across a striking, but no, I felt no fear, just an insatiable curiosity and an itch to explore. Then there, in the middle of nowhere stood the ruins of an old building.

Who would build such a structure right in the middle of a jungle? And why is it abandoned and falling in places? I wasn’t thinking these but trying to get in when I spotted a flight of stairs winding down into an underground cellar. I stepped down and walked into the basement. On either sides of a narrow hallway, there were small cave-like structures. And there I saw him! A very young man, with long flowing hair, in deep meditations. His body shone with a bright golden hue. He had the most divine smile on his calm face.

‘Come here,’ he gestured after opening his eyes. I walked towards him, as if drawn by a magnet and sat close by. He was tall, incredibly tall, even while sitting. ‘What are you doing here?’ he asked gently and I mumbled something. His face, his skin and that golden colour—I was mesmerised. ‘What’s your name?’ I asked him. He said his name, a very familiar one. Then he asked, ‘do you want to stay with me?’ I nodded. He closed his eyes and went back into his deep state.

I was back home before mother could notice. Barely able to conceal my excitement at the morning’s adventure, I tiptoed into the kitchen where she was busy with her work. ‘Where were you?’ She had noticed after all. I blurted out everything, not forgetting to mention that there were two playful dogs with that young man in the jungle. Then I said, ‘I’m going away, to stay with that tapasvi.’ 

Before feeding and putting me to bed at night, she gave me the scolding of my life. I was her only son after all, so why wouldn’t she be upset. But I was determined. Before drifting off into sleep, I noticed the blanket that mother had pulled over me. It was shining with a golden hue… the same colour of that young man’s skin!

***

What differentiates a dream from ‘reality’ is something up for debate. All dreams aren’t just chemical reactions inside your brain where your daily life is mixed and mashed randomly. And some say, your reality is nothing but one continuous dream but you’re unaware because you’re inside it, just like you wouldn’t recognise a dream as long as you’re inside the dream. Maybe it takes something like ‘stepping out’ to realize the dream like quality of our everyday reality. Memory doesn’t distinguish between the two. It takes both and puts them in the same storage place and retrieves it when you ask for it.

2012 ended like a dream and we stand on the threshold of a new year. Prophesies failed; the prophets passed over, as if to remind that no prophesy can withstand the super dynamism of the future. It’s tempting to make fun of all the failed projections, the visions of earth-standing-still, of people dying in the grand alignments, of a New Age starting right off the bat, of shifting into higher dimensions and Light bodies! Maybe the Rishis and God are rolling on the floor, laughing their guts out. Maybe Existence itself is suppressing a good laugh after tickling us with promises of apocalyptic, enlightenmentalism!  

Personally, I feel we’re at the beginning of an abundance! Both individually as well as at the societal and global levels too. Donno how this abundance will manifest and play out but I feel it’ll be beautiful, easy flowing and soothing. There’s darkness yet to reconcile to, anger yet to sublimate and wickedness still lurking within. But these shall vanish like evaporating mist when the Sun rises. We will receive the opportunities which elevate each one of us into the truly divine beings that we are. There will be newer realities and brighter playgrounds for us to indulge in to our hearts content. Light shall manifest in its highest glory on this Planet and we shall witness it, in our very lifetimes.

Here’s wishing everyone an abundant 2013! May this be the start of our unfolding divinity and magnificence. May we be guided to discover our purpose and also be blessed with the passion to pursue that purpose. And may we all come together, in our own small ways, to share our gifts, love and happiness.

May the Light shine and radiate through each one of us!

Cometh the Moment...

..and it’s gone even before you blink. Like a whisper, a dew drop, a thin veil of mist and a fragrance. A thing of extraordinary beauty, yet so fragile. As captured by the poet when he sang, ‘Aanewala pal jaanewala hai’ (a moment that is yet to arrive is also about to depart).

No matter what happens or doesn’t, one thing is for sure. In two days, 21^st December 2012 will be history! Gone! Cholegache. The world may be better off, or worse, but it won't remain the same. It’ll be poorer without this spectacle, this magical date which kept us enthralled all these years.

In the midst of every despair, we at least had this solace and hope—an apocalyptic, mystical date is over there, just a few years away. It’ll end the misery. It'll blow up this world and begin a new one.

Now? What do we have? That comforting solace will be gone forever.  Like a childhood friend who goes off, never to return, leaving you a shade lonelier. Leaving you with memories--bitter and sweet. Now, what do you look forward to? Which is the next date? And will it be as powerful and magnificent as this one?

 As our Planet hurtles into the core of the photon belt, while simultaneously stepping into the Mother of all alignments on the December Solstice, as the Mayan calendar ends  and a 26000-year Solar cycle completes…. and as you open that door and step into Dec 21st….remember this! You were right here, on this planet, in this space-time, inside this small piece of history when a grand synchronicity happened, when the Gods smiled, when the Cosmos converged to cuddle you, when the heart of the Universe skipped a beat….you were right here in this moment! Along with 7 billion Souls and all life! Blessing this moment with your Presence! Carrying Light in your heart as you walked through that door!

 This is a once-in-a-several-lifetimes moment. Embrace it as it departs!