New lessons...

There's that smirk on all those faces as you continue to speak. It wasn't there when you first stood up and not when you began talking, but soon, slowly their faces light up. You can feel a sweat break down the forehead. YOur voice chokes but you continue to plod along. Soon four of them are smiling at your discomfort, one girl is looking away because she's unable to watch your agony and the last guy's sitting unmoved. You want to kick yourself for being the object of ridicule. You want to be able to talk like a pro and impress audiences. This is a small group of six people, so If you can't talk well in front of them, how the heck can you perform before huge audiences in some distant future. That future where you, along with your comrades, are spreading the word and showing people the way, sharing with them your learnings. That future where you have to appear totally convincing to others. Where you're not supposed to make a fool of yourself. Where you've to inspire others to greatness, so you better become that first.

Yet you continue to blabber, mentally telling the world to gocha hell, 'cause it matters not what other's gonna think about ya. Let them call you a fool, a fool you are. Let them call you a loser if they want to. You're here to tell something today, so let them better hear it or pay attention to your mannerisms if they want to. You'll stand here or somewhere else tomorrow too and continue to talk.

The next available opportunity and again you stand up, but are less nervous now. The quiver subsides, so do the smirks.

The demon's still lurking in the shadows--not totally vanquished. You know that it will die only when you face it. Unafraid. It'll grow in strength every time you shrink back, thinking what the next guy thinks about you. When you let go of that notion, when you detach and say, 'so what?', it's the death knell for the demon.

No, it's not just about public speaking. It's about every fear, every hesitation, every anxiety that has kept you down all the time. Worry about the endresult and you'll remain fucked. As God told the disciple on the battlefield, 'Standup, do it and let the Universe decide the outcome.'

Breaking story on newshour...

This one

Transitions

Watched Stalker after downloading it eons ago. You need a different mindset to enjoy this kinda movie, where a single shot spans more than 5 minutes, and the movie's choc-a-bloc with such long shots. You're expecting something to happen but the tension seems to build and build with no resolution in sight and suddenly it dawns...the problem's not with the movie but with your urgency to get to the end, as soon as possible. Then you slow down and try to enjoy the process, unmindful of where it'll all lead to, whether there's really a destination to be reached or not.

Tonight, I'm reminded of the opening lines of a novel....'It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.....' Yes it is, for me. So many things are happening, some good, some not so, and many bewildering. Until yesterday, I was thinking that my muse was dead, that I'd not be able to write anything, ever. One moment, I'm pondering the deadness of my workday life and within no time, I discover an interesting scenario to execute and soon I'm immersed in fashioning similar equations. There are blocks everywhere I look. I blink and the river starts flowing through the cracks and crevices, finding new routes and destinations. Tiredness evaporates. Hope arrives. As complacency sets in, I realize that there are things to be done, tasks to be executed. The journey has hardly begun. I'm toddling.

Yes, I'm a thief, a pirate in the virtual world. I've stolen(downloaded) movies, music and books instead of making an honest payment. Chriss guillebeau says 'Stealing is bad karma, don't steal,' but I say, 'F*** off', as I download movies after movies, siphone off expensive books from torrents and listen to music without paying a dime. The 'Money economy' says 'Pay 1500 bucks for this book', but the 'gift economy' of the virtual world says, 'Dude, get this book at Gigapedia,' and I oblige. Got Keith johnstone's 'Impro for storytellers' but am struggling to find his earlier masterpiece. It's out there, somewhere in the vast landscapes of the cyberworld. Will get ya.

I'm building my own nest. Moving out of one tribe to another. Breaking hearts, also warming a few. I'll be cursed and also blessed. Irrespective of what anyone thinks of me, I'm finally figuring out what matters most, to me. And gathering the nerves to pursue them. Adulthood.

Vision statement

I remembered this morning the reason why this blog began, one rainy afternoon long back. It was to record the events which I felt were important enough to be recorded, so that I would have a backup for my memory. And also share them with others, the way others shared their life online(with the distant hope that these writings would also bring to others similar joy and inspiration I found in other blogs ;-) ). A bit of feedback and conversation through the comments. But most important of all, a continuous exercise to my writing muscle, which had become slack after I dumped my writerly ambitions and started testing software code in order to pay the bills.

Which means that I can be messy, disorganized and experimental here, simply because this is a testing ground. 'Reckless', as someone said once.

That's the vision. It had got clouded off late. Not anymore.