Friday, January 05, 2007

Dog days


Two pieces of unfinished and abandoned writing.

Hoping these aren't the last here.

I remember the day when I started blogging. The server was down at our office and we had no work for a couple of hours. Itwas a time when I was working as an intern, and was doing only a kind of peripheral work, nothing real serious. Amidst all the uncertainty, the beginning of boredom and the bewilderment that you face when you enter a new field, I discovered the blogging process.

I was used to journalling earlier when I'd just scribble whatever crossed my mind and later on read it in leisure, but that was an anonymous pasttime. I did the same in my earlier posts, just scribbling what I felt like, but soon therewere a few people reading my banter and throwing in a comment or two. When the network sort of grew(or you can say, with the discovery of more blog friends), I guess, I became more cautious in what I scribbled here. Gone were the occasional cuss words or ranting about my depressed moods. I would think what others might think about my writing, or worse, about me, and would delete things or add something here, polish a passage there-- a kind of filter came in(and it's still there). When friends and others I really care about began visiting my blog and later would tell me a word or two about it, this filter grew real thick and strong.

I hate this filter. I feel, it inhibits my writing process. I had great dreams about becoming an accomplished writer, but I'm not kidding myself anymore. There are other priorities which stand way above my writing ambitions. For me, writing is now more of an outlet to my thoughts and emotions than a kind of sharing platform. Maybe that's the reason blogging of late is a laborious and strained activity, not joyful and spontaneos as it was in the beginning.

Writing on this blog may gradually taper down and stop unless there's a compelling reason and motivation that gives meback...(what?)

Parting words

There's a child in all of us. Positively, when the innocence comes out at times and we wonder at life, at situations and learn with immense enthusiasm.
And not so positively when we refuse to grow up and continue with our childish ways. When we hanker for silly things knowing well that the things we desire are insignificant. When we forget our learnt lessons and commit the same old mistakes, while being totally aware of the consequences. When we cry for Momma's attention and refuse to leave her breast lest other kids get a grab.

Observing others makes me realize this. Then I find the same shortcomings in myself. The wonder as well as the immaturity of a child are all present deep within. Maybe I can see it outside because the stupidity is present inside.

There's always a thirst within us for something sublime, something that's better than the existing reality. And the quest for that perfection has to start at the individual level. We can go on correcting, blaming and chiding others ad infinitum, for all the mistakes and shortcomings we notice in them. Or we can recognise the same within and set out to correct these negativities. Find out the way towards individual perfection instead of worrying about an imperfect world. Begin to shine instead of wailing about the surrounding darkness. Begin to spread your wings, unworried about the rest of the flock who're content with crawling.

You are a fool but I'm also one amongst you. Let me become wise; whether you choose to grow or go to hell is none of my business.

I begin a new year with these thoughts--with the hope that the coming year pushes me towards such wisdom and growth. And also with a wish.....Let Life gift everyone with riches, more inner than outer.

Sayonara!

8 comments:

  1. I too feel filters at times and I dont feel that I can voice so many "family" issues here(with the exception of things a bit,...well, tongue in cheek), but also I dont let the crowds get me down....and family issues, i just try to sort in my head, if possible.

    I know that people read my blog and I probably have regulars, but I dont let their prying eyes damper what I do need to get off my chest at times, or feel the need to express. If people want to look over my shoulder, maybe influence or inspire them for other things, by all means, im game.

    In part, I somewhat feel/sense that you are using the filters as an excuse in part, but that's just me.:-p(since really I would assume that your life really has just gotten alot more busy over the past few months)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahaa, Jen, I'd assume, I'd write a similar comment if you'd written a post about filters and how it stops you from blogging freely. But no, I'm not using these filters as an excuse.

    I love to write and express myself. If it's creative writing, then no problem with sharing it with anyone. But when it's blogging(which is more autobiographical and closer home, in my case) I feel hesitant at times when people I meet offline read it and have access to personal aspects of my life. It makes me stop and filter out things that I don't want them to know.

    I can do it but it isn't joyful anymore. That's when you start thinking whether you want to continue playing around with these filters.

    I'm not sure if I'll continue to blog or I'll write about things that're less personal.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Vishwa, please continue to blog, I would miss you.

    I am either so wise or so foolish—I do not know which—that I usually only consider who will read what I have written or how is can be misconstrued until after I have published it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think its pretty obvious that you'll be back. Right now you're struggling from the frustrations of the people closest to you, and them critiquing you because they 'care'.

    Honestly, if they care so much they should understand a persons need to vent, if not I recommend you have a blog that you write for yourself that no one knows about. Kind of like a journal or diary, because thats the point.

    Your passion for writing, exploring subtlities in life, experience and questions is still there but in hiatus, since obviously you have bigger fish to fry with your family :)

    If you don't come back here, there is no doubt in my mind that your writings will take on a different form somewhere else, but it wont be any different to blogging. Thinking otherwise, you'll just be fooling yourself. A prime example would be if you read this post, and you reply, then i'm right.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sorry, that was me that posted above.

    Regards,

    Jassen

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks jassen.
    You're right. When a blog is more about personal posts and you have familiar people reading it, it's bound to stop somewhere---Unless you're real thick-skinned or you enjoy revealing personal facts.
    Interesting enough, I too was toying with the idea of a personal blog which none knows about, which would be primarily without any filters. It's already out there, dangling somewhere in the vast blogosphere.
    And I'll be back here, maybe after a couple of weeks. Need to get clear about what I'll be posting here.
    My regards and best wishes to You and Jen-- For a great future.

    ReplyDelete