Ah...this!
I'm standing in that corridor, welcoming people with a smile, cracking a few bland jokes with friends, feeling happy and generally content with life when suddenly it hits me. This realization. As if it was hovering above me all the time, waiting for a chance to jump on me. You call it satori? Not so powerful or earth shattering but similar. And it leaves me thinking, 'yeaaah, so this is what it's all about....'
The realization was simple. That I could no longer be standing there, smiling at people or patting friends' backs. It all could end any moment. And I had no control over this. All these relations, this camaraderie, this deep affection--just a whisper and it vanishes. So fragile! And it's not my whisper either. Like there's this wedding party in some village in a remote part of Afghanistan and all are happy and dancing, and then, there's this faint sound, someone's pressed a button somewhere and moments later, there's only fire and smoke and ash and blood all over. No, not that drastic but you get the drift, right, this someone somewhere thing....
As this realization washes over me, I stand there wondering how it takes me so long to find this out. That those you hold close to your heart, those who held your hands, those who showed you a way--all of them whom you consider your own--, and this purpose of life you get to define over the years.....one gesture is enough to crumble this world. Saw it happen with a few others. Thought it might not happen with me. Had this holier than thou attitude.
It liberates, kinda. Doesn't depress. The more fragile things are, the more valuable they become. So I stand there for the next part of the hour, enjoying every moment of those interactions. Let it end, but while it lasts, I'll savour every last drop of it.
(image courtesy: Christian bothner)
