Wednesday, May 12, 2010

No smooth sail...

It's been a period of turmoil. I haven't gone through such a range of intense emotions in so short a period. First it was a kind of disbelief and outrage. Followed by disgust and a terribly intense rage. Boiling anger. Then, pure helplessness when I found out that I could do nothing in the situation. Now it's solid grief at the realisation that many tender buds have been quashed. Something delicate has just died within.

The summer heat blisters during the day but evening skies rain down showers to cool our city. I stare at the empty midnight streets, reflecting on a thousand things. Meditations have gone haywire--it's been ages since I could touch a few seconds of solitude and stillness, amidst the raging fire of thoughts. I've stopped thinking about my career, about my next job and have been just coasting along in my current role. We are about to shift out of this house, from this place where I spent almost all my life. We'll be moving into a separate house--I, archu and eeshu--away from my parents, from my sister's family. It's a new life which we'd been anticipating for many reasons, a bit melancholic, a bit thrilling--an independent existence. There are a few confusions, a bit of clarity and many doubts.

Of course, no journey is smooth. It shouldn't be too. I remember this quote from nick's blog: 'what makes life possible is an intolerable anxiety of an unknown tomorrow'. Why tomorrow, the next moment is unknown. I want to be certain about it, I want clarity but life has a thousand aces up its sleeve. One moment everything's fine, but the next moment, you're in the bad books of those you love, those you respect from your deepest core. You admire a friend, interact with him, only to realise that he's changed into a dumb monster. You never know whom to trust, whom to turn to, whom to confide things in. Gods turn into sub-human beings with feet of clay. A whole new world opens up before you, where you derive insights to look at many things from a fresh perspective and soon many things start to fall in place, start to make sense. People are selfish, they want to be guarded and would love to burn you just to gain a few minutes of warmth on a cold night; but before you start to condemn them, you begin to suspect if you're free of all these virtues. Then you sit up and ask....what now? What next?

The answers aren't coming but I guess, they will.

1 comment:

  1. Archana,

    one of toughest phase in our life!
    Life has shattered and knocked me down, i stood up again and again to live and not to kill self.
    Time unfolds all truth and betrayals come with lessons, learn and they won't look at you again!