Unending Impressions...

A dark mood. I push it back but it persists. In its grip I feel like dropping everything. Just give up. Stop all the struggles, all efforts....drop dead.

What's the point of it all? Why break your head when.....

A moment later I shake it off.

Drivel

I realize a bit late, maybe after 10 seconds, that I've uttered nonsense and Mom/Dad are hurt. I don't apologise. A quick resolution to watch my words next time. But again....

Friends stay on the periphery. So do relatives. I hardly think of anyone and it's just me and my little world--archana, tejas, my books, bread-butter job, movies, writing a bit here--a bit there, thinking and contemplating, meditations, planning for the future, a bit of worrying, lots of dreams....Maybe I need to step out of this self-centered existence and move around a bit, meet people, go to new places, pick up new pursuits, grow and expand. Streatch the horizons.

Or maybe not. This is fine. Bloody fine.

Misunderstandings happen at the drop of a hat. Tempers flare up. I say something and Mom takes it to an extreme. I overreact. After a while the whole drama looks silly. Sullen faces for a couple of days and then an unspoken reconciliation. Avoiding it is difficult. Never step on another's feet. Don't try to prove a point. Exit an arguement gracefully and move on, damnit.

An idea. Make a list of the best movies ever created ( 25 will do, to begin with). Watch them. Share with others. And another list of the best books ever written(fiction, travelogues, biographies, anything). Collect them. Devour. Make some time everyday (10 minutes?). Keep aside all worries, all mumbo-jumbo. Pick up your passion, something you're very much committed to. Allow your mind to dwell on it. Pay absolute attention, let your awareness be totally sucked into it. Observe what comes out. What does it take to realize your passion, to pursue it, to bring it to fruition? If you're going to do anything worthwhile with your time, it is to breathe life into this dream and make it a reality. What does it take to make this happen?

I don't like it if anyone scoffs at my son or reprimands him for his antics. It gets on my nerves when others lose patience over him. Have bared my fangs on occasions. Maybe overprotective but heh, it's natural, ain't it? If not me then who? And if he isn't naughty now, then when will he be so?

Work

...drags on at a snail's pace. I try my best to drum up enthusiasm, to get more involved but no, it doesn't happen. Within an hour or so after arriving to work, the interest dissipates. The rest of the day is spent doing the chores, a bit of browsing, some chitchat......It makes me wonder if I'm doing justice to the paycheck I receive every month. 'We appreciate your work, especially the huge number of defects you've reported in the previous product you worked on....' says my manager in the appraisal meet but it doesn't ring a note within. Projects start and end, a new project begins. We go through the motions, purge the product of most defects, get into firefighting at the end and then a period of relaxation before a new one starts. Routine.

Those who've left this company for greener pastures mail back. 'Work there was better, we got a lot to learn. In this place, there's not much to do,it's boring' they say. What motivates you? Money? How much? At least twice of what you receive here? Will that be sufficient? More than the paycheck, it's the sense of involvement, of control, of learning, of accomplishment that truly motivates one to get up everyday and come to work. You love your job if, through it, you feel you've contributed to the greater good in a significant way, to the best of your capabilities. Does my job have these qualities? Or have I found these things in my current vocation? Will merely shifting to another company give these qualities to my work? Where do I go from here? Thinking!

No...looking at the hoardes of unemployed grad students at the office gates doesn't do much to my enthusiasm. Even if I remind myself that I was like them a mere three years ago and I'm much better off now.

Kolya

A childless couple adopt a baby girl and bring her up with much affection. When she's around 8 years old, there's a visitor. A middle aged man, he says his wife gave birth to a girl before marriage and later abandoned it. Unable to forgive herself, unable to come to terms with the loss, she's gone mad and is hospitalised. And the little girl is none other than the adopted daughter of the couple. The visitor requests the parents to bring the daughter to the hospital just once, so that the real mother might somehow recognise the kid and maybe regain her sanity.

'...Mammati kutty' was a tender movie about the dillemmas faced by a couple, who're torn between their love for their daughter and the compassion for a distraught woman who's the real mother of their tiny tot. I watched it on National television, nearly 20 years ago, at an age when I could neither understand nor empathise with the feelings of a Parent. Yet it's fresh in memory, particularly the climax when the couple walk away, leaving behind a wailing kid when the mother recognises her daughter and shows signs of regaining her balance.

Kolya is different yet similar--the story of an elderly flirt in Post Russian Czech, who comes in touch with the hidden father within, by relating to his five year old step-son, Kolya, out of a fake marriage. Tender, humourous, touching. Why don't I watch such movies more often?

Confidence

'It's not what you have,' says UmaThurman in Kill bill. 'It's what you think you have.'

Mmmm.

Late evening

Reach home. He begins to jump once he sights you. Sip tea. He too wants a taste. Bring him out and take a short walk. Show him the stars, the moon, the sleeping dogs, the silent trees.Talk to him and he responds as if in a conversation. The elderly neighbour who sits in his portico all day
waves. Tejas ignores him. Rubs his eyes. Yawns once and laughs.

Reflecting

I struggle not to sleep, to keep my thoughts awake, to contemplate. Yet the drowsiness overpowers me. Days rush past in a blurring speed, leaving behind just a memory of the whizzing sound. Writing down my goals makes me uneasy. These goals remain from how long....3years, 5 or 7? They remain, so do I. Sometimes I throw out this entire goal setting mechanism and begin to live, day to day, carefree. Then a restlessness and I pick up a pen and paper, try to make sense out of scribbling some words. Set goals. Plan. Nausea. Meaningless. What next?

You need a destinatin. And a path. And time to pursue them. Where's the time? In between office, household chores, sleep, dreams, laziness, tidbits you need to carve out a chunk of time. Ponder. Contemplate. Pursue. Step out of the Uneasyness.

I want to go deep into this restlessness, into this sense of directionlessness. Need to reflect. And then there's a tiredness, as if of a lifetime. My body yeilds. Before long, I'm up, to run a race I don't know why I'm running.

A new day, a new perspective

Suddenly there's a Unity. Nothing appears separate. The work life, family life, intensly personal moments of contemplation/reading, Meditation/spiritual life, the outside world---they aren’t separate entities wherein I inhabit, one at a time. One is not better and the other isn’t passable. Suddenly they all blend and merge with one another. I’m one person who’s having these various experiences. One becomes pleasurable and the other boring, if you look at them as separate and expect something out of them. Unite them all, stop expecting anything out of a situation and go in with an open mind.

In this giant whirlpool, nothing remains as it is. Everything is changing, evolving, dying and taking birth. I'd love to stay where I am, with the same people, same job, same situations, same routine but no....that's not the way life goes. Logs and twigs drifting down the river of life--we come close or go our own ways, as the current changes and as we hit new rocks. You've travelled down this path many times, and maybe will do the same many more times. Or you'll veer off into new directions, into unknown swirls. Cry if you will about your lost tribe. Or enjoy the flow. The tribe is lost anyway. You're already dead.

Embrace the change before it grabs you.

Go out and jump into the abyss.

Now.