state of mind

So you have one last flame, dancing in the wind, threatening to get blown out
any moment. Half-heartedly, you cup your palms around it, trying to protect it
and at the same time wondering if you should just allow it to die.

Work ethic
I'm not supposed to browse at my workplace. Not that some nerd is monitoring our systems and preparing reports about our online habits. Not even that I give a darn to my manager who sits a few feet away and who can view my monitor in full glory by just turning his neck. Company policy: written: Sit at your desk for 8 hours. Unwritten: Don't browse the internet for non-work purposes.

Yet I break both of them, the unwritten one more so often. Call it slacking off. Or bored-to-death-with-routine. Or squemish rebellion. Or addiction to information-stuffing. Or a five year old habit. Work here gets miserable when the internet goes down. The net is the tonic which helps me finish the job, so that I can hop back onto the information highway. Good? Bad? Who cares, as long as I'm getting the job done for which I'm paid month after month.

Vishnu

My favourite actor died today morning. I'd stopped watching his movies long time ago. But I can't remember my childhood that doesn't have his presence. We grew up emulating him and his mannerisms, watching his movies with friends multiple times, whistling and howling at his action stunts, getting into arguements and even fistfights with people who spoke ill of him, getting rebuked by parents for using more of my non-natural hand(he was left-handed)....Mom would joke that my aim in life would be to grow up and become his car driver and I remember taking that as a great compliment.

I had seen him only once, in one of his birthday parties. In a movie, he played the role of a soldier who's captured by the chinese army and is tortured. On the day of the release of the movie, hundreds of his fans shaved their heads, wounded their foreheads(similar to how he appeared in one of the promos) and took a procession, praying for the movies success. I was in high-school and I sported a military cut on that day. My friends were surprised that I hadn't got my head shaven. And it was almost mandatory for all his fans to wear a steel bangle on their right hands, the way he did, as a mark of allegiance to the star. I wore one then and still do.

His death reminds me, with an irrefutable force, that this physical reality that we are so deeply engrossed in isn't the only one that exists. I wish I had the insight and capability to directly know and experience the other realities. Being aware of them gives comfort that nothing ends with a heart-attack, that the souls' journey continues even after that. Yet, his departure leaves behind a void within, a sadness that can't be soothed by any philosophy. May his soul be guided to Light.

Enter the Photon belt...

We sat at 6 pm yesterday, in meditations. Even Tejas who was sleeping until then woke up and sat with us, with his mock gestures of meditations. In silence, we prayed and welcomed the Photon belt.

Our earth entered the aura of the Photon belt yesterday, on Dec 21st 2009 at 6 pm. In another three years, on dec 21st 2012, we will be totally inside it. The next three years, where we will be under the influence of the Photon belt, are going to be interesting.

Whatever the skeptics and believers say about the end of the Mayan Long count calender and the prophesies surrounding it, one thing is evident. There is a shift occuring. A new life is unravelling. The changes that will occur from now on are going to be absolutely unbelievable.

To witness this shift and to participate in this makeover directly is a wonderful privilege for all of us. It's like sitting on God's shoulders and observing evolution unfold. The ride's gonna get bumpy so let's fasten the seat belts.

Small dreams like this

We still have the 'Worldspace' system but the subscription has expired and we haven't bothered renewing it. No time or space to listen to radio. 'We'll renew it once we shift to a new house,' I tell her. My dream: Make a hot cup of tea. Turn off the lights. Sit by the window. Switch on 'Moksha' channel on worldspace on low volume. In between sips, looking out the window at the night sky, listen to the soft music. Dream for hours on end. Just exist with the soul stirring sounds.

This ain't possible currently, in our single room, with Tejas asleep and the kitchen being two floors below, locked up. So my dream has to bide its time until it gets realized. And when that happens, in that moment, wanna type a few words straight from the gut on my blog. Without pre-meditation.

Quick notes before I forget...

Just a small observation--or self-observation. Unless something becomes a life/death situation, I generally keep off doing things and stay lazy. Especially if that something is a bit difficult to do and requires an effort. Amazing how long it took for me to make this discovery.

Four years ago, on this day, by this time, we were at a mortuary. Shell shocked. Waiting for Mouli's postmortem to get over. First glimpse at the loss of a close friend.
Remembering him today, especially when I'm reading and pondering into all of this

Tejas wants to pluck a small flower. I ask him to take permission from the plant. 'Plant, plant, can I take this one?' he mumbles and tears a little flower out. And plays with it happily for the next half an hour.

Autumn trees on a patch I pass through every morning, on the way to office. The trees will be felled very soon, owing to the new metro train track that passes nearby. In our burgeoing city, this railway track is required to ease the traffic clogs we face everyday. But at the cost of our lungspace.

Again, why should we think in human terms? Is the tree valuable only because it cleans the air we poisoned? Would it be okay to cut them down if they weren't so useful?

The trees stand there, shedding leaves, waiting for the season to turn to sprout greenery. Do they think, the way we do, in tree terms? Calculating and weighing something based on its usefulness?

Loads of movies getting downloaded every night. Don't know when I'll watch them. Time--a gasp of air to a drowing man. Right now, just collecting and hoarding all good ones.

Hot coffee on an especially cold evening. Biju, who supplies beverages to the entire office is always on the edge, always walking around with his tray, visiting every desk at least three times a day. Overworked. Always polite. Smiling at times.

On success

Reading 'Outliers' by Malcom gladwell.

It kinda answered or even confirmed something that I'd known all along. That it's not how well you do academically that determines your success in life. I have friends who were bigshots in studies(I too was one of them). They are nothing more than moderates, as far as career success goes. And there are a few 'outliers', some who didn't even go to school back then. They have more financial and social success than the high iq guys. It's not just the 'normal intelligence' that counts but the 'practical intelligence'--how you make sense of the world around and how well you can navigate it--that determines financial/social success.

Of course, it's never too late to gain practical intelligence. Gladwell pins it down to your upbringing, to the environment in which you grew up. I don't agree completely. I guess, your environment does play a role in shaping your personality. But you can always outgrow it, create your own inner models, on your own understand how the world works and adapt to it.

Then you wonder why people give so much importace to academic success. I see kids around being pushed too far into studies, the achievement of some high-fliers constantly glorified, etc. You don't need a book like outliers to tell you that what you learn in school/college is just one part, that there are a hundred other factors required for success. It's plain commonsense. How come people don't exercise it? Are they too dumbed down and stuck in the old paradigm which shaped their lives? Why is our vision so narrow?

Of course, there's a far more important question that arises? What the hell is this thingy called success? Your paycheck? What people around think about you? Your bank balance?

Or is it the opportunity to be what you've always wanted to be? To exercise your creativity? To constantly learn new things and enrich your understanding? To love and be loved? To explore new paradigms? To experience the diversity this life offers? To have the freedom to live life the way you want to? To make things happen, to teach, to share?

Or simply to be at peace...contented? Reminded of a passage from 'The power of now' where Eckhart tolle writes of his state of mind after his first experience of transcendence. 'For two years, I was sitting on park benches, without money, without social identification but I was in the most indescribable state of bliss'

Maybe success is a curious mix of all of the above. Or maybe, it's just subjective. I could consider myself successful but you may see me as someone who's totally fucked up. Or rubbish my idea of success. For all I care.

This book is already a best seller. Does that make Malcom gladwell a successful person? In the narrow definetion which he espouses in his book---Yes..... But in the bigger picture?

Walking new roads

It’s difficult to ignore certain ideas.

Last Saturday morning we were visiting our neighbours in the locality, to invite the kids for our son’s birthday party that evening. Just then she remembered that there was a recent death in one of the houses. We were in a fix whether to invite them or not, whether it would be appropriate to interrupt their mourning, so just to be sure, we spoke to one of the neighbours.

‘You’re right, but it’s okay, you can invite the kids for the party. It’s an old lady who passed away, and while I’m sure they must be feeling sad for the loss, she was almost 98, so you know....’

I guess this wouldn't have been the scene if someone younger had died, say someone in their 50s or 40s. What's the threshold age after which death becomes acceptable and non-mourning—even expected? You cross that age and, without anyone mentioning it, there’s an unwritten assumption that it’s okay for you to die. What’s that threshold age? 70? 80?

A long time ago, I was visiting some distant relatives with my Dad. There was an old lady in their house, very old and she was kept in an outhouse. Apparently, she was the one who’d looked after dad when he was a kid, so I was half expecting a sentimental scene since he was meeting her after a long time. Nothing like that happened. Dad spoke to her, standing at a distance, probably feeling embarassed and awkward with his emotions. Of course she was in tears. But what struck me was the utter neglect of that household towards this woman. It looked as if their contempt was for the fact that she wasn’t dead yet, inspite of being old enough to leave. She was absolutely unwanted!

Such things may not happen in every family but why do we carry these assumptions? Young—you’re not supposed to die and if you die, it’s terrible. Old—you can live but if you stay long enough, it begins to get difficult. I have some relatives who have crossed this threshold and are still hanging on. I’m sure their deaths will come as a relief to those around although nobody will dare speak it out.

Why is this so?

One could argue that it's because of health, where the elder person has become fragile and beyond treatment, so people around him would wish that he'd depart peacefully. But imagine a younger person who's in ill-health and beyond medical care. I don't think their departure would be welcomed with the same detachment as that of an older person. Whenever we hear that someone has passed away and if he's around 40-60, the immediate reaction is 'so young?', but if he's more than 75, it's a muted silence. If he's less than 30 or worse, even less, the expression turns to horror. I've wondered why. Why should we feel this variance in emotions --since we know very well that death is a reality for young and old alike?

Is it inbuilt in us, an evolutionary mechanism similar to what's found in Nature where the Old naturally gives place to the New, the fresh? Or is it handed down to us by society? A society where youth and strength is revered and the old are carefully pushed aside--for economic and utilitarian purposes? Are we born with this world-view or does our environment fit us with this paradigm?

So many paradigms go unquestioned in our daily lives. Recently I came across this arguement against the 5 day work-week? Who made this rule that we should work for 5 days and then relax on weekends? Why do we accept it so blindly? Why not work on weekends and then relax for 5 days? Really! How many of us even begin to think in this direction?

Then there's this dominant idea, that what you see, hear, touch and sense is only real. Nothing else. Anything other than these must be your 'imagination' or 'hallucination' and hence should fall outside the boundary of 'reality'. That which is validated by the scientific community(?) is only to be accepted but if something that you believe goes against the grain, then you're a freak! I observe this when we speak about 2012! 'What's the proof?' is the question. 'What do the scientists say about this?' Speak about meditations, about shift in consciousness, about expanding awareness. Speak about entering a New Age of peace and prosperity, about the collapse of old systems and the birth of new ones. Or about experiencing things directly, subjectively with the help of spiritual practices and hence 'knowing' reality--- and you'll invite wonderful smiles.

At the other end, if enough people get to speak about it, such things might soon come to be accepted--not because anyone has directly experienced it, but because so many are speaking about it, hence it must be true, somehow!

If there's a choice between accepting a direct subjective truth or going with a popular belief--something that's validated by those around us, how many of us would choose our inner voice? How many of us would risk unpopularity and trust our gut feeling?

Coming back to the initial idea, in the first place, why is death feared and despised? Is it because we don't know what exists beyond that? Is it because our identity is so totally glued to our physical selves that we shudder to even think about the deterioration and demise of this finite self? Who gave us this paradigm that we are just this physical self, and death is the end--the black hole?

As someone said, 'the spiritual isn't hidden, it's ignored.' Maybe true, but again there's this question. Why do we ignore it? Is it an inbuilt paradigm or something that's handed down to us?

When the existing paradigms are getting screwed up, are we willing to consider new ones? Or do we wait for the majority vote to even begin 'un-ignoring' what was ignored all along?

What does it take to shake us out of our rut? To make us sit up and take notice? To pay attention to our gut?


pic from

http://www.flickr.com/photos/petrichor/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Humour and Pathos

If you haven't let out a hearty laugh, God help you!

* * *

Have you watched 'Raincoat'? Good movie but what really has stayed in me and is still ringing deep is this tremendous song by Shubha Mudgal. Been listening to 'Mathura Nagarpathi....' for the umpteenth time since last morning.

Then you have this line:

Biraha ke aasoon kab ke pahuch daali, Phir kaahe darad jagaav

(She has wiped off those tears of separation long back, so why are you opening those wounds now?')

You can listen here. And a good translation can be found here.

As they say in Enigma, 'Turn off the lights, take a deep breath and listen...'

Just wonderful!

Chotu rant

Two things happened. One, a long awaited dream got fulfilled, when I purchased a Dell inspiron Laptop. Which means that I can browse/chat/blog/translate late into the night, sitting in the comfort of my small room instead of having to use the common terminal a floor below. Wife and son too have joined the party. He loves Tom and Jerry on Youtube. She's revelling in the new discoveries she's making in the virtual world. Loads of movie and music downloads in the pipeline. Rashomon, An unfinished Life, what not...

Two. When I opened the shiny new laptop and began explaining its features, there were murmurs of approval and congratulations. But amidst these, the congratulating voice was repeatedly getting choked. Lots of clearing throats, all of a sudden.

I know why this happens because it happened to me when I couldn't swallow the fact that my juniors were getting a better salary. My throat got blocked and I had to repeatedly clear it. The emotion found an outlet through my body.

Not that I blame someone for feeling jealous because I could get a beautiful gadget. It's my hard earned money, my long cherished wish, so if you can't enjoy the comfort/success of someone close to you but would rather hide it behind a false smile and artificial words, be warned that your body is speaking the truth. That's all.

Small things

If you wanna do something, just do it, don't speak about it. I told her last night that I'd want to meditate once tejas falls asleep. 'Atleast for an hour', I thought. And it never happened. Tiredness overtook my will to wake up, get out of bed and sit for meditations.

Would I have done it had I not spoken about it? 'If you want to do something and you're desperate enough, you'll do it no matter what. Why put the blame on something external for your lack of will?'

Maybe not speaking about a goal is also a part of that Will do to something. A tiny part. The major part must be one's desperation and passion to pursue a goal, to do something one finds important.